Me

1:55 a.m.

You ever been extremely frightened because it suddenly hits you that one day the people you love and admire and idolize and care for won't be here they're all going to leave one way or another whether they want to or not you ever realise that one day there's going to be an end for you and you never know when that is for anyone and everything that you ever wanted to do you can't because it's impossible to get it all done or because luck just might not be on your side I want to audition for an actual Broadway play one day I also want to play in an orchestra for a Broadway play I also want to write a book be a psychiatrist a Baker I want to make a huge difference in this world I want to travel the world I want to say F everything and give up but I also want to get up and do the best I can I want to get out of this town and do something amazing with my life and I'm worried I'm wasting precious time when I'm only a teenager I'm worried about the smallest things I'm worried I'm not doing life correctly I want to be able to afford a nice big house that I worked hard to earn I want to be known for creating something awesome I want to be able to have the courage to raise my hand and be myself at school and I want to be able to be an open LGBTQ+ person and not care what anyone thinks I want to go a whole day without thoughts bringing me down and I want to be able to stay up late without thoughts attacking every chance they get and wanting to cry and I want to be able to have the courage to tell a girl that I like her even I know full well she has a girlfriend I want to have the courage come out to my family even though I think some won't accept who I am I want to have the courage to show people that I'm not who they think I am I want to perform at my school talent show to let those kids know I'm not always the quiet kid that nobody remember or knows the name of that there's more to me than what they see and will know at least a little bit of what I actually am I'm a violin player a book reader a huge Hamilton fan a big rock fan and that I can be fun but I feel suffocated and I like I'm not given a chance if you just let me warm up to you I promise that I'll open up eventually slowly but surely I'm sorry that I'm not the most fun person I'm sorry that I'm not the person you want me to be or expected me to be so to my friends thank you for sticking with me I know I'm not the easiest person I know that one of you like me and that makes it rough to talk to you sometimes because I don't feel the same about you and we know if the other's feelings I know that this is pretty long and you're probably thinking when us this going to end and I'm sorry but I'm thinking the same you know every time that I think things are getting better they just collapse again and one of the worst parts is that nobody actually knows that not even my closest friends because I don't want to burden you but I think think this all for my late night thoughts