ᴅᴏɴ'ᴛ ᴄᴀᴛᴄʜ ꜰᴇᴇʟɪɴɢꜱ

𝟏𝟏.𝟏𝟏

Ｌｅｅ Ｍｉｎｈｏ ＰＯＶ                                      28/10 06:15 ᴘᴍ

"Minho," Woojin called me sighing after noticing my lack of concentration

"Hmh?" I replied still not paying much attention

"What happ-" he started the argument looking carefully at me

"I didn't say I'm ready to talk about it," I stated firmly

"You can't esc-" he tried to explain

"I need to catch some air," I said without letting him finish and trying to get on my feet. Woojin was ready to help me but I stopped him.

"Alone," I stated again and reached for the door to escape from this uncomfortable situation and distract myself.

I know Woojin was disappointed, he just wanted to help me and do his work, and I was only being stubborn for no reason. I didn't want to talk about it, although Woojin always understood and always let me rant to him, this time I felt alone. Nobody could understand the pain I was going through, even I couldn't get a grip on my emotions. The medications were strong and unpleasant. The first day I trowed up most of the time, always having constant gags, my headache got worst and I wasn't able even to move because of the dizziness. I thought they were too much, but I couldn't tell Woojin, because that meant "consultation" which led to "therapy" and I wasn't ready to talk. I was trying to escape the inevitable, running without a destination, out of breath, always followed by the devoted anxiety. It got worse and the only thing the medications did was to numb and tire me so I wasn't thinking too much, but once they took effect and I was able to grasp a glimpse of reality everything will still hit me overwhelmingly. It seemed programmed to rewind always at the end like a video clip, you can pause it, skip forward or go back but at the end, you were forced to rewatch it, except I wasn't only going over it but I was feeling it too, over and over again.

I experienced another panic attack in the middle of the night, not as strong as the one who brought me here in the first place but it still was a panic attack. It didn't happen because I was reliving what occurred, It just came, right at the moment when I felt my muscles relax for once. It was like that, the panics didn't advise me, they just came like a hurricane and destroyed all, leaving me after with...nothing. Crying was something I couldn't do anymore, I was always under control by the nurses and Woojin because they were scared I would do something regretful and irretrievable. The truth was that I thought about it, I would lie if Id said I didn't want to end all of this, and I'm not a liar. I just thought it would be much better for everyone and me: no more need to take Minho at the hospital, no more need to spend money on his medication, to look after him, to worry constantly for him, to think about solutions to make his life greater. As simple as that. I felt a burden, I felt egoist and I could hear the voice inside of me screaming it. Did it hurt? No, it didn't. I got accustomed to this feeling pretty quickly. Constant regret and guilt were nothing new. Even when I was with Jisung those emotions were the ones that always tried to get the best on me. I felt not enough, I felt hopeless like all I did was wrong and I didn't deserve to be alive. This was all in my head ringing constantly.