the only heaven i'll be sent to

8.0

The next day was Christmas Eve. Luis was awoken by faint Christmas music playing from the living room. Luis never really cared for Christmas music, aside from a few select songs. He especially didn't care to be woken up by Christmas music.

Luis got ready for the day, taking a hot shower and throwing on some comfortable sweats, before heading to the kitchen where his parents had breakfast ready. He saw his mom and dad dancing together in the living room to the music, laughing together. The sight made Luis smile. He was glad they were still so in love after so many years. They seemed to be in a permanent honeymoon phase. Luis wanted something like that someday.

Luis had never been in love. He'd had a few short flings since moving to New York, but nothing that really lasted. Luis just hadn't met the right guy yet, despite Kaiya's numerous attempts to set him up with some of her friends. He hadn't clicked with anyone. Of course, there were guys that he liked and enjoyed hanging out with, but the relationships always got stale fairly quickly. Luis didn't know if it was the fault of the other guys or if he was the problem.

He ate his breakfast chilaquiles slowly as he listened unwillingly to the Christmas songs and watched his parents laughing and talking. They had noticed him shortly after he entered and said their "good mornings".

Vanessa came into the kitchen around 10 a.m., not long after Luis. Their parents had come to sit down with them at the table, and the family talked over their meals. Luis enjoyed moments like these, when it was just him and his family doing nothing. It made him wonder why he even liked big cities so much, since there seemed to be constant chaos surrounding him when he was there. Luis was a mess of contradictions, he decided.

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It was approaching 8 p.m. and Adrian still hadn't shown up. Luis didn't know what would've caused him to leave this time. Usually when he'd go back to Hell to, in his own words, "tell his higher-ups how it's going," he'd only be gone for a few minutes. But then he'd have moments like this where he got upset and disappeared for hours.

The Valdez family had all taken turns opening one present — a Christmas Eve tradition they had every year. Luis had managed to pick something up for each of his family members when they'd all gone shopping the day before. They were small things, and his family appreciated them all the same. They knew he was a broke college student, so they cut him some slack when they received an assortment of candles and socks from him.

Luis laid down in bed that night with his mind racing, wondering why Adrian wasn't around. He didn't know when he became so preoccupied with Adrian's whereabouts, and he wasn't too happy about the development. Why did it matter where Adrian was? It's what Luis wanted, wasn't it? He wanted to spend time with his family without Adrian's irritating presence. But he still couldn't stop himself from wondering what was wrong.

Luis imagined it had a lot to do with being dead in general. Not being able to interact with anyone but one man who seemed to loathe your company probably wasn't very fun, especially not during the holiday season. Luis wondered what Adrian's family must've been like and if Adrian missed them. The more Luis thought about, the more he realized Adrian was probably upset and frustrated by the fact that he couldn't see his family anymore, but Luis could see his own. The thought broke Luis's heart. He couldn't imagine not having his family around. He tried very hard not to think about the six-month death sentence he'd been given, and how he'd most likely be in Adrian's position very soon.

As he tried to sleep, Luis's face streamed with tears he'd been holding in for weeks. He was so overwhelmed — school, finals, demons, his looming death, global warming. He quietly sobbed until he'd run out of tears to cry.

He exhaled deeply and turned over to look at the old clock on the bedside table. It was almost 11:50, and Luis was exhausted, but he couldn't shut his mind off. He stared up at the popcorn ceiling and waited for sleep.

"Are you okay?" Adrian whispered quietly in the dark. Luis's closed eyes shot open in surprise and he sat up. The room was almost pitch black, but he could barely make out Adrian's silhouette sitting in the living chair.

"How — how long have you been here?" Luis asked instead of answering Adrian's question. His voice was slightly hoarse from all of the crying. He wasn't sure if Adrian even heard him at first, because he took a few moments to respond.

"A while," Adrian spoke, quiet as the evening.

Luis hoped that Adrian hadn't seen or heard him crying, but he knew deep down that he definitely had. Luis sighed and laid back down, keeping his eyes on the ceiling. He didn't respond.

He heard Adrian get up from the chair and felt him sit down on the side of the bed. Luis looked over to him and could see the silhouette of Adrian's head in his hands, his elbows resting on his knees. He heard Adrian exhale.

"It's my birthday today — well, was, I guess," Adrian said softly, his voice solemn. "So I guess I'm 27 now." He let out a dry laugh.

The room was still. Luis didn't know what to say. Was he supposed to say "happy birthday"? Luis thought that would be kind of fucked up, since the situation didn't seem very happy at all.

Luis slowly sat up again and, though he briefly hesitated, he moved to sit next to Adrian, his feet planted on the floor. Adrian removed his head from his hands and sat up normally, looking over at Luis.

Luis still couldn't see his face very well, but his blue eyes were so bright, and Luis could see them clearly in the dark. Their arms brushed slightly, and Luis shivered at the touch, despite it feeling white hot.

"I'm sorry," Luis whispered after a long silence. Luis didn't know what exactly he was apologizing for — maybe everything he'd ever done and said, not only to Adrian, but to everyone. He didn't have to explain himself. He could tell Adrian knew what he meant, even if he himself did not.

"I'm sorry, too," Adrian whispered, even softer than Luis.

The two men sat in silence again, but it wasn't awkward. Luis was thinking and not thinking at the same time. He didn't really know what was going on in his head anymore. He wanted to say something, anything, to Adrian. He decided he really didn't like it when Adrian was upset. Seeing a man usually so brash and confident become so subdued almost hurt him to witness. What was the saying — the bigger they are, the harder they fall?

Luis couldn't believe how much his life had changed over the course of two weeks. He thought he was an over-thinker before, but that seemed to be all he did now. He didn't want to think about how his own death would feel or the last time he'd ever see his family or what the point of a degree was if he was just going to die before he could use it. He didn't want to be followed constantly by a beautiful demon who was hardwired to bother him as much as possible. And he definitely didn't want to feel bad for said demon.

Luis turned his head to look over at Adrian, who was already looking at him. Luis opened his mouth slightly to say something, but Adrian spoke first.

"Hey, Merry Christmas," Adrian said gently, and then he disappeared.

Luis was frozen. He'd never felt so strongly before, and he didn't even really know what it was he was feeling.

He went to lay back down in his bed. He nestled underneath the warm sheets and turned his head to check the time on the clock. It read 12:01 a.m. Luis closed his eyes and waited for sleep.