I Hope I'm Making You Proud

Chapter Two

* a week ago *

My Suicide Letter

My name is, or rather, was Lily Sanders. At the time of writing this, I am 16. I think I'm doing okay in school. I wanna major in any English of some sort. But my real passion was always to be a psychiatrist. Pretty ironic.
I know this will come as a shock to so many people. I came off as happy, excited about life. I don't know why this happened either. Just one day, I woke up and I didn't feel the same. I felt like the world was weighing down on me all of a sudden. As if the sky was rested on my shoulder. But everyday, I tried to push it off. I tried to go back to being the happy Lily, the one that didn't feel like absolute crap.
I'm sorry. I couldn't go back to being her. I never truly understood what putting up a facade meant, until I had to do it myself. I never understood what feeling broken meant until I spent the nights crying into my pillow, not wanting my mom to hear how her only daughter didn't want to live the life she so graciously provided her.
And my mom. Mona Sanders. The absolute best. I love you. You were busy and didn't really check up on me but you were busy trying to help me live the best life I could. This isn't all your fault. I'm sorry I didn't tell you how I felt. I don't even know how it happened. I didn't wanna burden you any longer. For the past 16 years, you've been my rock. No matter who's come or gone in our lives, you've been my best friend through it all. Please, don't blame yourself. I love you. You truly were the best mom ever. Every damn day, you would work so hard just so you could fulfill my stupid desires. After every breakup I've been through, you've been there with my favorite ice cream and have listened to me cry about everything. You deserve so much more than anybody could every give you. So please, promise me you won't stop fighting for the life Dad said you wouldn't get. Never stop smiling. Anybody would be lucky to be a part of your life. The hardest part about writing this has to be imagining your face when you find me. I never intended to hurt you. Life just got so much for me.
This suicide isn't a product of being "bullied". Well, at least not traditionally. It's a product of not finding help. I've learned that depression is common. Sometimes it gets too much for people like me and this is what happens. In 2017, 600,000 teenagers have taken their life. Including me. Please, let therapy be common. Let there be an easy way to find help. I don't want there to be more families grieving the loss of their child. I tried looking into it, but my case was long gone.
I know this is what I want. This is the only way to get the pain to stop. I'm sorry Mom. Please, find it in your heart to forgive me.
And to my friends. The friends I made this year and the friends I've had since 5th grade. Thank you for showing concern when I came to school looking like crap. Thank you for recognizing that I needed a shoulder to cry on every now and then. Promise me you'll help others the way you tried helping me. I love you.

Thank you for these blessed 16 years. I wouldn't want it any other way.

You will find my password to my accounts and phone on the back. My credit card is next to this paper.
Please keep fighting. Don't let it get this far for anyone else.

Love,
Lily Sanders, 16.

Lily wiped away the last tear falling down her face and folded up the paper. She put the pen on top and walked to the counter of the bathroom, placing both of them there. Lily contemplated locking the door, but she felt her body suddenly become heavy and decided it was time.

Her mom wouldn't be home until much later. Today was Saturday, she always came home late on Saturdays. Lily thought about calling her dad, he had been a part of her life for 12 years. She decided against it. It was because of him that this indescribable pain had started.