Push

Sorry

Zelo was getting irritated, I can tell, even though I wasn’t messing up with his mind but just stayed sprawled on our living room carpet. “Zelo, is Yongguk still up for that offer?” I muttered, as I lay on my stomach.

I saw Zelo rolled his eyes with exasperation from my peripheral vision.

For two hours, Zelo had been at anywhere in the house listening to my depressive narration at how I became a martyr and let go of Jongup, not like he was mine to begin with, but you get the idea I hope. I understand if Zelo would want to kill me right now, but that would be too easy an escape for me, he said and he settles for kicking me lightly, humming in agreement and just spat lifeless commentaries as the situation permits.

~~~

It had been three peaceful but probably tense days since I cut whatever connection we had at the infirmary. Peaceful, in a sense, we do our duty as gate guards. Tense, like there’s no conversation going on between us. It wasn’t like I couldn’t feel his stares and side glances, I just… avoid them.

“You’ve given up, that’s surprising,” Himchan said one early morning. Jongup hasn’t arrived yet, it was a rare case, because I came earlier than him. I just rolled my eyes at him and leaned against the wall, eyes staring straight ahead. If Himchan only knew how much restraint I’ve put on myself just to not punch him and make that perfectly flawless face imperfect and I was about to, he wouldn’t stop yapping. Thank god, someone passed by.

“Dae – hyun?” the person said, pausing, as if unsure of what she was seeing.

“Sunhwa noona!” I called out, surprised at what I was seeing. Her lips broke into a wide, warm smile and embraced me without reserve and so did I.

“Oh my god, is this for real?” she said after giving a quick head-to-foot appraisal with her big, round eyes.

Feeling the intense pair of curious eyes boring behind my back and a new pair of stunned silent ones who just came, I promised Sunhwa to meet her later.

Though it happened early in the morning, apparently there were early rumor spreading birds that saw it and the goodbye kiss on the cheek that happened after, that by second period everyone had assumed that the terrifying Jung Daehyun had or has an older girl friend. I really don’t care but the look Jongup's face had, it bore on me.

~~~

We heard a ring on the doorbell, Zelo went to see who it was, while I literally rolled on the floor. A couple of minutes later I heard soft giggling ringing through my ears and when I opened my eyes I saw Sunhwa crouched in a sitting position at the end of my feet. “You really did change,” she said amusedly.

“I told him to just fuck the guy up and be done with it but…” Zelo supplied as he flopped on the couch and waved an uncaring hand at me as he reached for the remote control and flipped the channel. Sunhwa pouted.

“It can’t be helped, Daehyunnie is in love,” she giggled again before she hits me hard on one leg.

“What gives?!” I exclaimed as I sat up, growling at her, her expression unfazed.

“But this is no excuse for you to be so lame and give up and push him away,” she said rather seriously. The sudden change of expression reflected from her eyes almost made me forget that she was no ordinary noona. Her sweet front always makes me forget the strong personality she had kept hidden except on certain occasions.

“Do what everyone’s been telling you, if you can’t then think of him as some girl you pick up or that one you chose to lose your virginity from,” she instructed as she moved close to me, her knees at either side of my legs, sort of like straddling but not quite… kneeling I guess.  I tried to look at her straight in the eyes, I don’t have much choice, she had me by the collar of my shirt.

“Didn’t you want to see me like this, helplessly in love, like some lost puppy or whatever you named it?”

“But not a coward,” she replied with obvious sarcasm and frustration, I looked away from her probing, gentle eyes.

“Dae –” she began in a softer tone but was cut off with the entrance of an unexpected guest. We didn’t really know he was there, except for Zelo who heard the doorbell and had opened the door, until my backpack which I left in school again after cutting the last three periods hit the floor with a loud thud.

“Z-zelo didn’t come to pick up your things like he used to, so I… Goodbye!” Jongup said in a hurry before he excused himself as fast. Sunhwa and I glared at Zelo who just shrugged nonchalantly and went to his room.

“You’re not going after him?” Sunhwa asked, still on top of me. I didn’t answer. “Daehyun, you’ve grown up.” She said warmly as she enveloped me in her embrace. “You’ve done well, but this, whatever you’re doing isn’t helping either of you. If you want to protect that boy, this isn’t how to do it. I think you’ve hurt him more than anal sex would.” I groaned at her last sentence.

“Noona, it was so sentimental and heartwarming. I think you could’ve done it without the last commentary.”

~~~

It was the end of our one week ultimatum, today would be the last day Jongup and I would be standing this close to each other but our relationship hasn’t gotten any better, not at all. Though it scares me, how I’ve grown a bit accustomed to Himchan’s subtle flirting with Jongup, maybe because I know he’s doing this to tease me.

Jongup had gotten better, for the past week where we grew distant, he was able to handle things better that sometimes I had this inkling of patting his head or shake his hand at least and just smile at him. And today, I think I’ll do so. For the first and last time, I’ll be nice to him.

I’m sorry Zelo, you’ve been the unwilling victim of my moments of insanity.

I’m sorry Sunhwa noona, even if I have grown up I don’t think I’m strong enough to act unemotional when things go wrong.

I’m sorry Jongup, I can’t be just friends with you. I’m afraid what I could do to you or to the person who you’d fall in love with when the time comes. I may be sane now but maybe it’s because I know I’m not obsessed with you.

These thoughts kept playing through my head as I walked up the steep road towards the school, hoping that it will calm me down and made me as indifferent yet kind as I opt I would be.

But what I saw surprised me that I ran up fast, worried. After all a crying Jongup early in the morning isn’t a good sign.  When I got close to him he looked up at me and frantically wiped his face clean of tears.

“Daehyun, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have kissed you then. I’m sorry, all of this happened because of that right? I’m sorry I don’t know why I did that. I’m…” he said suddenly, his voice threatening to break until he burst into sobs again.  

Wait, what did he say? Did Moon fucking Jongup just said he kissed me? I reached out for his hand and as he winced from the pressure I added, I knew it wasn’t a dream. “Please, don’t lock me out.” He said in that soft, quivering voice of his. He looked so vulnerable, so precious.

Fuck, forgive me Jongup, I’m going to fucking desecrate your innocence not because my body is raging with hormones but because I want you. Because this asshole, Jung perverted Daehyun, loves you.