choked up words

one

Milo's POV

i cant breathe. theres too many people, its suffocating. the party is raging around me and i cant move. everybody is too close, i can feel the heat radiating off their bodies. i hate it. i hate it. i HATE it. the music is screaming, making my head pound. i need to get some air.

with a hesitant step, i leave the corner i was in. i push through the ginormous crowds around me as i make a desperate attempt to go outside. the smell of alcohol, sweat and weed lingered in the air. weed. i could use some of that right now. their bodies keep touching me. stop touching me. i feel violated, i want to vomit.

i finally make my way out of the crowd of teenagers and in front of the back door. i step outside and the cold crisp autumn air greets me. i feel instantly relaxed and i could start to breathe like a normal person. a normal person. wow, a normal person wouldn't be suffocating in the first place. i let the cool summer night welcome me. why did i agree to go to this party? my twin sister, mary, is always making a desperate attempt on trying to make me more social. spoiler alert: it never works.

i see mary in the hot tub chilling with all the "cool kids." what makes them so cool? i'll never understand what makes someone popular. is it how social they are? or maybe its how they present themselves. hell it could just be a dominance thing. i wish i was more like mary. she's a social butterfly, she's so likable and easy to talk to. unlike me.

i take one more deep breath before making my way over to my sister and her friends. one of the guys had his arm around her waist. i cringed a little at it but i tried not to notice as i kept walking towards her. a couple of the people in the hot tub were staring me down. i gulped. i struggled to get any words out of my mouth with all of them looking. instead i just tapped mary's shoulder. she turned around with her red solo cup in hand. "milo?"

now a couple more of her friends were looking at me. fuck. i nod my head towards the nearby fence as my attempt to get her to move away from the group. she sighed before getting up to follow me to the fence. "what's up?" she asks.

"i think i'm going to go," i say while scratching the back of my neck.

her eyebrows furrow. "what? already? we've only been here for like an hour." she sips out of her cup.

"come on!" she gives me her cup. "have a drink, relax. come join me and my friends." she tugs on my hoodie toward the hot tub. i pull back, refusing to sit with them. most people will jump at the chance of sitting with all the popular kids. i won't.

"i'll take the drink but there's no way in hell that i'm going to talk with them," i pull myself back with just enough force to get my sleeve out of her hands.

she lets out a sigh. "well i'm not gonna give you a ride back home."

i shrug, "that's fine, i like walking anyway. plus you're too drunk to drive." i turn around and make my way back to the back door.

"okay... just be careful, alright?" she calls out before heading back in the hot tub. i take a sip out of the cup to taste a bitter wine. who drinks wine at a high school party? i poor the rest of the cup into some bushes before going back inside.

my body feels tense again but i feel better since i know that i'm not going to be here for long. i start to feel hot and sweaty for just being inside for a few seconds. i shake it off though. my eyes meet the kitchen counter that's crowded with alcoholic beverages.

i go up there while trying my best not to make eye contact. i fill the cup with a weird mix with almost all the drinks up there. i would just fill it with straight vodka but i don't think a lot of the people here would appreciate me hogging it all up.

after mixing it all together a blonde haired girl taps me on the shoulder. my breath hitches and i become visibly stiff. "hey, you're kinda cute," she says in a flirty tone. it's obvious she's drunk off her ass. she runs her finger down my chest and to be honest i have no idea what to do. with a slight nod i walked off, saying nothing.

i try my fastest to make my way through everybody so i could get to the entrance. i jump every time i bump into someone. why can't people just move? i hear the same girl calling out to me, "wait, come back!" i pick up my pace. she was following me. my breathing starts to act up again. at this point my top priority was to not talk to that girl. i just want to go home and she's going to keep me here longer.

i look behind me and see her approaching me. right when i turned to look in front of me this one dude elbows me straight in the face. i stumble back and fall to the ground. ouch. i can feel warm blood running down my nose. "shit man. my bad." him and some other people started surrounding me. no. stop. get away. i start to panic. they're all so close. everything around me is spinning. "i swear i didn't mean to do that," he grabs my arm trying to pull me up.

i jump up and push the man away. "don't touch me!" i ended up yelling. i need air. i violently pushed the rest of the people away from me. people eventually saw the scene i was causing and moved out of my way. thank god.

getting to the door was easy from there. i just hate how everyone was staring at me. the cool air welcomed me again as i sprint down the drive way into the street. i stop there to slow my breathing. wow twice in one night. way to go milo. my drink was still in my hand but some of it had spilled during the fall. i lift the cup and let the burning liquid run down my throat. there was a faint metallic taste to it because of the blood flowing out of my nose. i didn't really care though. i don't have anything to wipe my nose with so i just left it how it was.

after i felt more in control i started making my way down the street. why do i keep panicking like that? the only time i can talk to someone without flipping out is when it's with my sister or my dad. that's why i do school online. ever since our mother passed i just couldn't talk to anyone. i don't know why it affected me like that. it kind of just happened.

as i walk in the direction of my house i come across a small park. it felt welcoming in some way. i make my way towards one of the benches and just sit there. i drink the remaining liquid in the red cup.

i want to be more social. i want to be like the other teens. maybe i should try making more of an effort. of course i have tried making an effort before, it never worked out, but i don't want to keep living like this. it's lonely. i clench my fists. i feel angry. at what though? god? for making me like this?

i end up shaking with rage as i let out a yell. it just felt relieving at that moment. although i'm probably just drunk. i punch the bench i'm sitting on as hard as i can. shouldn't have done that. my fist aches not even seconds later. it felt kind of nice though.

i glance down at the wooden bench and see a phone number written in permanent marker near where i punched. the hand writing is pleasingly neat and underneath the number it said "let's chat?" without thinking i grab out my phone and punch in the digits. i can chat with people. just you watch.

my fingers hover over the keyboard. what do i say? should i say i found the number on a bench first? or do i just say hi?

i sit there staring at the empty chat box. a minute or so passes and i begin to get frustrated. i begin typing my thought.

hey. i'm an absolute loser that cant talk to anyone without have a panic attack. i'm currently sitting at a park, drunk, because i'm too much of a pussy to talk to people at a party. let alone be inside the party. so here is my desperate attempt on not being a social reject. because what else am i suppose to do? i'm too pathetic to do anything else.

of course i wasn't actually gonna say that. i just wanted to get it out of my system. i go to delete everything i typed out but since i'm a bit tipsy my finger wanders off just a tad bit too much. my heart drops as i realize that i sent the message instead of deleting it.

fuck.