choked up words

two

Milo's POV

after i sent the message i didn't know what to do. i already failed at this sad attempt. maybe i should just give up and accept this is how i'm going to be for the rest of my life. i can't even message a random person without making a fool out of myself. i mess around on my phone for a minute or two, trying to find out how to delete a message. didn't work, there is no way to delete it.

whatever. i just want to go home. i get up from the bench and start walking down the empty streets. the walk is silent. i like it. around half an hour later i find myself outside of my house. mary's car wasn't outside yet, she must still be at the party. i walk over to the hose at the side of my house and rinse my face off to get rid of the blood. thankfully my hoodie is black so you can't really see the drops of red on it. i check my phone for the time. "11:47" it read it large white numbers. i look below and see i have a message.

an unknown number...?

ohh, the unknown number. my hands start to feel clammy just looking at it. they read my message. okay Milo, you got this. don't panic. don't be a pussy and text them back. i open up the chat.

you could of just left it at "hey" :) -unknown

it read. the message didn't seem aggressive, probably because of the smiley face. i take a deep breath before opening up they keyboard. what do i say? i wander inside the house, still thinking about how to respond. maybe i should text mary. she's good with these things.

no. i don't want her to know about this. it's too embarrassing. my dad was sitting on the sofa on his laptop. as soon as i close the front door his eyes snap to mine. "you're back," he smiles. he closes the laptop and runs his hands through his messy graying hair. "how was the party?"

i shrug, putting my phone away. "i wasn't there for long," i make my way into the kitchen looking for a drink.

"well it's longer than usual. it's almost twelve," he comes up to me a squeezes my shoulder. i'm not big with anybody touching me but that squeeze felt reassuring.

i decide to go with orange juice and i pour myself a small glass. "i left a bit after ten," i tell him. i taking a sip out of my now full glass.

he furrows his eyebrows then looks at his watch. "then what were you doing for the past hour or so?" he looks back up to me.

i knew he was hoping for me to say that i made a new friend or something. i wish i could tell him that. i wish i could tell myself that. i can't tell a lie for shit though. "i walked home, stopped at a park for a lil bit," i felt kind of bothered by the conversation. i just wanted to go to my room, find out what to say to the unknown number. i take my glass and start walking off before my dad can even respond.

i start heading down the stairs to the basement to where my room is. "well, goodnight milo!" he calls to me. i don't respond. as soon as i close the door to my room i whip my phone from out of my pocket. i stare at the message. how do i respond? i let my fingers glide around the keyboard and the small clicks of the virtual keys fill my ears. it seemed louder than usual. my heartbeat is kind of loud too.

i shouldn't be nervous like this. it's just a text. i reread the message i wrote and hesitantly hit the send button.

sorry. i didnt mean to send that but hey. -me

my heart drops a little after it said it delivered. i can't help but feel a little proud of myself. hopefully this doesn't go terribly wrong. a smile creeps on my face and i drop my phone onto my bed. i need to shower. i can still smell the alcohol on me from the party, i'm surprised my dad didn't notice.

i go to take my shower and i might of lost track of time in there. i swear time goes way too fast when i'm showering. when i come back out the first thing i did was check my phone. a new message. i throw myself on my bed, still in just a towel, and i open my phone to read the message.

well my name is alice. you are? -unkown

i feel relieved that alice isn't making a big deal out of my first message. alice. i like that name. it reminds me of alice in wonderland. i save her contact and insert her name. she's my third contact. i take a deep breath and type out my next message.

i'm milo. -me sent. delivered.

my heart did that sinking thing again. is it going to be like this every time? i decide that i should probably put some clothes on. i push myself off my bed and to my closet. i fetch myself a clean pair of boxers and some basketball shorts, i don't bother with a shirt since i'm going to sleep anyways. i think i'm going to head to bed here in a bit.

but.

since it's been a stressful day i think i deserve a little something. i go to my desk and pull out a small box. inside is a pre-rolled joint , a lighter, and a small ziploc filled with some weed. i smile. i take out the joint along with the lighter and take it over by my window. i opened the window and light it up. as soon as i inhale my text tone rings throughout the room. i'll answer it here in a bit. i exhale, letting the smoke drift out the window and into the night. i smoke half of it before putting it out and placing it back inside the box. i make sure to close the window too.

i stare at my phone that holds alice's next message. i can start to feel my heartbeat increase. i don't know if it's because of what i just smoked or i'm still freaked out about messaging someone who isn't family.

i curl up into my bed and open up my phone.

well milo, i dont think youre pathetic -alice

huh? pathetic?

oh, wait. i scroll up to my first message and reread what i sent. "im too pathetic..." it read at the last part of the message. i don't know why i thought she wasn't going to bring up the first message at all. i sit there for a while thinking about how to respond. is it normal for people to take this long for such a simple text? after a couple of minutes i begin to type again.

how would you know? -me

is that rude to ask? maybe i should of just said thank you. not even half a minute passes before another message pops up.

lets call it a gut feeling haha -alice

that sounds kinda dumb. she's probably just saying that to make me feel better. i won't say anything about it though. my body begins to feel light, the joint is finally really hitting me. i smile a little. this time i barely think before texting a quick and short response.

okay. -me

i close my eyes. it feels like i'm sinking into my bed. i hear a ding, that must be alice. my eyes feel too heavy to open. i'll open it later. a few seconds... no... minutes...? whatever. some time passes and i hear another ding. if she sent two messages back to back maybe it's important. although i don't know what would be urgent to a stranger she's only texted a few times.

i was going to look at her messages but by the time i opened my eyes again it was morning. woah. when did that happen? it felt like i was just closing my eyes for a couple minutes.

my phone was still in my hand from last night. i turn it on and look at the two messages i received from alice.

okay -alice

well tell me about yourself, milo -alice

about myself? what do i say? i lay there staring at my phone. i don't remember the last time someone asked me that.

i'm not very interesting. i have no interesting hobbies. i have no interesting stories. i am boring.

i didn't notice until now but my free hand was clenched while the other was squeezing my phone. i hate how easily frustrated i get. when i was little i was always the calmest one in my friend group.

my friends... i haven't thought about them in years. i was 12 when i lost my social abilities and left them behind. that was 6 years ago. are they all friends still? do they remember me?

it probably doesn't matter. i bet they forgot. if i could forget about me, i would too.