Foreign Ground (Yuzuru Hanyu)

11. Sunflowers And Airplanes In Sunrise Land

Yuzuru spent the entire FAOI tour worrying if his phone was going to ring. He set a specific ringtone for when that happens, if it happens.

The cast went through Makuhari and Sendai without him paying much attention to the silence of his phone. It was in Kobe that he first checked his social media and Line, in hopes of finding any messages whatsoever. Now, his phone was as quiet as ever. Yuzuru told himself not to let this ruin his show, his moment, his time with friends and fans. At the end of the day, this was someone Yuzuru had met months ago for the first and final time. He shouldn't even care if she doesn't call, if she doesn't show up. Why should he care? Then again, at every show he searched the audience in hopes of catching a glimpse of her; between every rehearsal, every show and every interview, he checked his phone in hopes of a specific missed call showing up on his screen. But, there was no signs she was going to make an appearance this FAOI tour. Yuzuru knew he should come to terms with that, still... he couldn't stop repeating "she promised" to himself. She promised she'd come. She didn't want to say anything else, she didn't want to explain and that was fine with him, he didn't have to know to understand; but there was one thing she did say. "I'll be in Japan in June" she said, that last night in Saitama. 

No matter how much Yuzuru told himself it didn't matter and that he should forget, certain bits and pieces of that night kept coming back to him in the most unexpected of moments. Just having lunch or going to bed reminded him of how much better it would be if she was there. Brushing his hair, reminded him of how it felt when he let her inside his little bubble of protection. Talking to people every single day, reminded him of how vulnerable he let himself be with her, how satisfying it was to let loose, and how punishing his loneliness was now, after her disappearance. Every time he practiced his hydroblade, got down, deep and close, ready to kiss the ice, he was reminded of how unlike it was kissing her warm mouth.

Yuzuru blamed himself entirely for letting this happen, what exactly – he wasn't sure. Was he mad for diving in in the first place, or letting her slip away just like that – with a smile and a promise? He couldn't discern what was worse. But there were days where he didn't feel like getting out of bed from emptiness which occupied his body and mind.

On the last night of Toyama shows his phone rang to the sound of "Haru yo Koi". Yuzuru stopped in his track, running from one interview to the next, when he heard the familiar music. He felt like he was making all of this up while he dug through his bag in search of the source. Even though he knew this ringtone was reserved only for her, he had to make sure it read リリス* before he dared to pick up. 

"Ri!" He answered, breathless from the show and everything else. 

"Hi Lemon!", Is all it took for Yuzuru to remember what it felt like to come apart. 

"Are you here?" He asked, hearing noise coming from her side.

"You were wonderful." She said.

"Where?" He rushed, feeling sudden desperation forming in his chest.

"I'm leaving the rink now."

"What you wear? I will send someone to meet you."

He heard her laugh, before she said: "A huge white jumper, but I really think it would be for the best if I just left now, Lemon."

"Don't say that." he realized his voice begged, his chest tightening.  

"You really want to see me?"

He wanted to say so many things to that,  but his limited vocabulary prevented him from expressing the sudden anger and despair that started to mix with the sweat and confusion of the long night. Instead, he fired: "You ask me that?"