Diary of a depressed kid

Dear Diary: 1 December, Sunday 2019

Oh hey I'm Teresa, people like to call me tessa I dont mind what they call me as long as the dont know the truth. Sorry I'm being rude, I have been suffering from a severe depression from the age of 9... no on knows except for me and this is the way I will get my feelings out without hurting people. You are welcome to stop reading now if you'd like...

know when ever I try and talk to people about it or when people ask me what's going on I tend to freeze up. I can't help it, I stand just look at them and try find the right words to say or I try to tell people I care about and people I think care about me about it and they tell me I'm mental or I'm making making up shit to make them feel bad for me but really I just want them to understand. The only words that come out my mouth are 'I'm fine' or 'I'm ok' and then if the person keeps asking I lie to them. I make up a scenario that would seem to make sense as to why I'm sad, and when they believe my lie I crack a little inside... I really want to tell people what's going on but I can't, I have tried so hard... I used to Express my feelings through art and writing until someone saw it and showed the school therapist. I went to the therapist for a few weeks until I could convince her that is was fine. What I did was I told her fake "sad" stories about my life and she helped me go through those "problems" and let me go. After that I stopped drawing and writing and started to make schedules for my cry times then someone walked into my room one night during my cry session and I had to stop that because she told me that my crying was keeping her awake... I did so. Then I tried to get a boyfriend to help me forget about my problems it worked out for a bit as he helped me get rid of my pain. Then he became one more problem because I knew I didn't deserve any love. He started getting really annoying as he nagged me for my attention and what didn't help is I had Amy nagging me not to break up with him because obviously she had nothing better to do other than control my life...( I hate being controlled!!) So I did as she said and i didn't break up with him, don't get me wrong I do really really like him I just hate being strapped down to someone for too long. I started  feeling more depressed during that time period and I tried pushing everyone away, (it didn't work...). There was one person who didn't get annoyed with me and stuck by me and his name is Max he is still with me and I couldn't have asked for a better friend but when he asks what wrong, I can't seem to open up. I tell him it's my boyfriend or my friends or my family. I always make up an excuse although I really want to tell him but when I'm about to all the bad thoughts kinda get washed away and I can't remember why I was sad but as soon as I finish telling him my lie it all floods back into my mind again... why does this happen to me?

But I think I am suffering from a type of depression... I'm quickly going to go search it up.. umm the internet just told me I am depressed...
Well crap anyway..
But why am I depressed? I have a really good life, good friends, an amazing boyfriend and a cool family. I know the depression isn't because I'm a teen I've been like this since I was about 9 so I don't know. The thing is I'm not constantly sad I can be completely fine then suddenly I will go into this world, in my head, I can't hear anyone outside my mind, I'm usually in this long hallway with a door at the end of it and when I walk towards it, it goes further way and in that hallway the walls are made of red brick and I can hear crying and screaming echoing around me. I usually run to the door and the crying and screaming gets louder the faster I run and usually when I'm about to get out of my daydreaming state I collapse on the brick floor holding my ears and head, I start to cry and start hearing some whispering voices in the background telling me how useless I am, how much of a disappointment I am, I feel the tears running down my face then when I look up I'm back in the real world, the screaming is gone and the crying too. I can't help it, this is where I go. And everyone around me doesn't know and I cant tell them...