Cockles (unfinished, morally wrong, and just generally awful)

5

"Hey Jensen I-" he stops as his gaze lands on me. "Oh, Misha, whats up?" He says smiling, unbeknownst to what was happening just seconds before. I see Misha freeze up, he smiles awkwardly and puts his hands in his pocket "Hey! We were just, talking, y'know like we do" he says, glancing at me for help. "Yeah! We wanted to discuss the whole Destiel thing and make sure it won't affect our friendship" the word friendship is bitter in my mouth, it doesn't feel right, I realize I don't wanna be his friend anymore. I want more than that. I've always felt this way I just didn't fully realize I until today. I'm guessing my fucking internalized homophobia is to blame. Poor Misha has been helplessly pining after me all these years and I had no clue. God I wanna talk to him about this.
"Oh yeah! I'm sure y'all can handle it, you have a very profound bond" he jokes, nudging my shoulder. I chuckle, realizing how true the statement is. Even just as friends we've always been connected on a deep level. I've always felt comfortable with him, like I'm truly myself whenever he's around.
"Yeah I know we'll be fine, so, what brings you to my humble abode?" I say, changing the subject.
"Oh I just wanted to stop by and heckle you for that unscripted kiss, really got in character huh?" He says, no filter, as usual. I start clamming up.
"Yeah, haha, really felt like I was Dean I guess" i chuckle nervously
"Yeah sometimes you forget you're not Dean, it's kinda creepy" Misha adds, a weird glint in his eyes. I realize how he must be feeling. For years he has had to tell himself I'm off limits, I'll never like him, now he has major walls up and is probably looking for a sign that I don't really like him like that.
"Yeah I guess, we are pretty similar, woman, booze, and cool cars y'know" he winces as I say women and I instantly regret it. God this is already so messy but I don't give a fuck. I need him.
"Ok well, you've heckled, are you done or?" I say, not so subtly trying to get him to leave. He holds his hands up in surrender
"All right, I have a scene to get to anyway. See ya" with that he leaves. I turn twords Misha. He's staring at the floor, he looks pitiful.
"You good?" I ask, walking closer. He looks up, his eyebrows knitted
"I just don't understand Jen" he says, the nickname causing a million butterflies to appear in my stomach.
"Understand what Mish?" I say, concerned. He walks closer shaking slightly.
"Why- why now? After all these years would you suddenly have feelings for me? You're probably just touch starved and don't know what you're saying, I should just leave" he says, his voice shaky and sad. He starts walking twords the door but I grab his wrist. He turns.
"Misha, I- This isn't some sudden thing, I think I've always felt this way for you I just didn't realize until now. The kiss just sparked something in me and I know now how much I need you-" He kisses me again, softly, his lip quivering. He breaks the kiss and looks at me
"Jen, you have no idea how long I've wanted to kiss you" he says.
"I'm sorry I made you wait" I say, kissing him again, god it's addictive, his lips are so sweet.
"Ok, we both need to process, let's sleep on it and talk tommorow morning." He says, running a hand through his dark, slightly messed up hair. I did that. I smile.
"Yeah! How about 7 o'clock, coffee, my trailer?" I suggest.
"Sounds good" he says, smiling. I just him one more time. I watch him walk out, wishing i could sleep snuggled up to him. But he's right, I need to think on this. He closes the door behind him, leaving me with my thoughts.