being surrounded by friends and people that love you, but still feeling alone.
seeing the sun outside, but still wanting to stay in bed with all the lights off. forever.
unable to find a reason to get up in the morning, unless there's a special drink to help you.
not being able to sleep at night, but not wanting to wake up in the morning.
being unable to talk to anyone because they just wouldn't get it.
"just be happier" [but being unable to just be happier, no matter how hard you try]
"life gets better" [not being able to imagine the 'better' and just stuck in the now. the dark tunnel]
"its not all that bad, other people are much worse off" [worst possible thing to hear]
not being able to find anything that makes you smile [nothing positive that is]
being afraid of going from one drug to another for the rest of your life.
but even more afraid to ask for help.
being stuck, down on the ground. like people just keep pushing you down making it so that you can't ever stand up.
feeling like this for years, no matter how good your external world may be.
having brief moments, months sometimes, where you actually are doing better only to have one little thing make you snap sending you right back down into the tunnel.
like you had never left it.
like all the progress you had made was worthless.
like you didn't make any progress at all.
finally being able to accept that this is a part of you. not a defining feature. just a part.
a small part.
finally being able to actually reach out for help.
[maybe someday...]
(life is a continuing story. my story doesn't end here. my story is a work in progress.)
