More Than You'll Ever Know

All I Can't Say

Not being able to touch him, is complete torture. I'd rather just kiss him than pretend I can't stand him. I've been fidgeting all day. I can't stop tapping my fingers. It feels like I want to scratch at my skin when he's not around. I'm coming down from a high, at least, that's what it feels like. It's like, he's become a drug that I've become addicted to. The only thing that satiates this craving is his laugh, his smile. Those sweet words. God, It hurts that I can't be with him.. and the fact that he's been using me all this time. I was just there to fill a void. I was loving him, and he was loving her. It took a while to dawn on me. It's slowly but surely processing that he never really loved me.

Sometime, I sit and ask myself how the one I gave my heart to, the one I shared my dreams with, the one I gave my world to, could want to hurt me so bad. The only thing I could've possibly wanted more than being with him, was for him to be happy. I would've done anything, in fact I did all I could, but he never seemed to be satisfied. I've been crying so much these past few weeks, and I've hardly gotten any sleep. My baby girl Emila is here sound asleep next to me. She doesn't know yet. Her dad is gone, he walked out. How will I ever tell my child this? She's only 3. She will be crushed. Right now I'm a mess. I really need to pull together for her, but it's so hard. Of course, I don't let her see me like this. I don't know how much more I can take.
So, before I go to sleep I think about you.
I wonder about us, and re-create the past.
Don't tell me we didn't go deep,
we did.
Sometimes I look at my own hands and think,
weren't these the very hands that used to interlock with yours?
Sometimes I swear I can smell your cologne on my skin, it still lingers.
No matter how many times I try to wash clean
your name still at the tip of my tongue,
I'm still trying to forget how it sounds,
I don't think I ever could.
This all seems somewhat foreign to me
I used to go to sleep thinking about seeing your smile the next day
Now I go to sleep wondering why you were smiling at her last month.
Don't mistake me, don't mistake these words as me being all clingy
I loved you so fucking much.
I love you still.
I'm wasting time now trying to convince myself that I don't.
But really dear,
don't lie to me
You still dream about me, don't you?
because I know somewhere between the sheets, there is still me and you.

These are all of the words I can't say.