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For days, for months, all she wanted was to reach him. To hear him. To maybe even see him as a Force ghost. She did not want the last image of him fading from existence as he had.
She would try any chance she could, from in the noisiest of places to the most secluded. She knew if she concentrated enough, she could contact him, no matter what distractions tried to stop her.
Rey did as she had every opportunity she had reached out: she sat in a meditative position, her newly crafted lightsaber sitting in front of her. If she could not see him or hear him, she was inclined to believe he could perhaps show her a sign that he was around.
I owe him so much. He went through so much, became the person that I saw...but he was not able to be Ben Solo once more. Rey felt a sense of guilt. If he hadn't used so much Force energy to bring her back from the dead...
Oh yes, he had accomplished a mighty feat. Her healing him from a lightsaber wound (that she had done) paled in comparison.
That couldn't be why he wasn't responding, could it? He wouldn't have gone out of his way, gave his life for hers, if he was still mad over her impaling him with his own lightsaber. I must not be trying hard enough.
The last look in Ben's eyes haunted Rey to this very moment. How...relieved he had looked, how happy. She had even noticed that when she had healed him, she had healed every scar he had ever had. The one she had given him on his face had completely vanished.
Rey sat up straight, as though posture somehow factored into contacting the voices of the fallen. As every time before, she shut her eyes, putting herself into a breathing exercise.
"Be with me," she whispered.
Like always, she got no immediate response. She did not want to admit defeat just yet, she was not one to give up so easily after one failed attempt. Oh, no, some days she did this for hours on end, or multiple times in a day as though time of day had any influence over her success or failure. She would go sometimes a day without eating, her stomach not allowed to distract her.
"Be with me." Rey's eyes began to wet. This happened more often now. The desperation would become too much, and her concentration would snap. Her hands began to tremble from frustration—another nasty, unfortunate occurrence after so many failed attempts.
If Master Skywalker could appear as a Force ghost, so can Ben.
Though Rey had chosen the solitary life on Tattooine, it did not make the loneliness any less painful.
Be with me. She didn't feel as though she was asking much of Ben Solo. When alive, he had been able to do things that to most would've been unthinkable. He had been paired with Rey as a dyad, something very rare among the Jedi.
If only after the dust had settled could the two have had the time to discover what it truly meant to be a dyad. The things they could have accomplished, could have learned together!
The idea of not ever being given that opportunity drove the tears down Rey's face. If she let her emotions drive her, it would take hours for her to refocus, or perhaps longer. She did not want to try to contact Ben with an emotional, clouded mind.
She wouldn't deny that, if she were to see him, she would be relieved. She thought back to the single kiss that they shared. A kiss that she started, and he'd welcomed gladly. It would've been unthinkable, that Rey would've kissed Kylo Ren. But she hadn't kissed Kylo Ren, she had kissed Ben Solo. She had kissed a redeemed man.
Sometimes she wondered what could have been, had he stayed alive. What life would've been like if he was still in it. I can think of it all I want, I cannot change what's been done. He's not...he's not coming back. He won't even answer me here.
Rey's eyes became fixed on her lightsaber. At times, her eyes would deceive her, trick her into believing her saber had moved when really she had. Oh how dirty her eyes could be at times.
"Be with me." There was minute frustration in her soft tone. She removed her eyes from her weapon, looking around in mild despair. She had asked so many times, this time around sounded more like a demand. If she could hear all the Jedi of past generations, surely Ben could—
A quick movement caught her eye.
The lightsaber moved.
**I'm a lowkey Reylo shipper. Yeah, it surprises me too. I appreciated it all the more towards the end. As much as I said no to redeemed Ben Solo, damn how my heart wanted it. And apparently it wanted this also.
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The moment was cute, until it wasn't. :(
Maybe that's how my readers feel when I sink a ship that everyone roots for. It's a damn slap in the face, let me tell you.
So of course, why would I just leave that alone? Why not just twist the little knife a bit more?**
