Elven Legacy

Chapter 131

Noah

He shuddered in the boisterous winds like some crumpled leaf on the ground. Kili's body was already growing cold as he held her in his arms. The bloody hole in her chest stared back at him accusingly as he pressed her closer to his heart. Hollow onyx eyes gazed at the clouds without seeing them, dark green curls like some tangled veil. The porcelain white skin of her face no longer held any brightness.

Noah held her like something broken, irreparable, irreplaceable, and yet it wasn't fully kicking in. He kept feeling like the moment wasn't real, like this listless, cooling body in his arms wasn't actually there. Like this was some sick, twisted joke, and time would stop again and warp back in on itself so that he could start over and do things differently.

But instead time went on. The air smelled like burnt things, smoke, and the unpleasant mingled scents of battle's aftermath. Everywhere around Noah people slowly gathered in groups, though none came too close, as if afraid of him. After what he'd done, how could they not be?

With every moment that passed, with every gust of wind, every overheard hushed exchange, every shudder and ache in his muscles from sitting with his legs folded to the side and holding Kili against his chest, Noah felt himself falling. Slipping away into some previously unvisited darkness.

Whatever he'd experienced upon connecting with the catalyst in its entirety, whatever calm and peace, wisdom and beauty, all that was gone now. Leaving him empty and numb, pointlessly holding the corpse of the woman he'd loved. With no one to blame but himself.

Flashes of memories taunted his mind, bits and pieces of moments spent together over the past six years. Late-night conversations in the woods behind Mikael T'Sherazee's house. The delicious thrill of guarding such a beautiful secret. All their silly banter, all the shared thoughts and laughter.

She knew him better than he knew himself. Then, one year ago, as she became embodied she got her memories back. A venomous gift. Knowing herself had brought her down a self-destructive spiral. Brought her to this, here and now. Dead in his arms. A moan escaped his lips involuntarily. His muscles ached in protest, but he refused to let go.

Just like she'd refused to let go of her past. Gods be damned, she would've been so much happier without her fucking memories. She could've started over with a clean slate. There was no need to sacrifice herself for something the Northern Elves had done. Kili had never asked to be banished to the Demon Realm. She'd never asked to be some living link between the two worlds. It was never her fault.

Too late to tell her that now. Too fucking late.

His pulse quickened and his skin got clammy as he stubbornly held her close. Nausea surged up in his chest. His body shook with the burning sensation, though part of him welcomed that pain. It was easier to bear than the horror of what he'd done. Of what she'd made him do.

How could she . . . ?

He choked on another moan, this one becoming a sob that rasped out of his throat. He squeezed his eyes shut, shedding hot tears that rolled down his face. The world seemed to tilt and tilt underneath him, and his own breathing seemed suddenly so rapid and loud that, combined with his achingly fast heartbeat, he couldn't hear much else. He groaned and strained against the sobs, though more tears fought their way out.

It felt like drowning, deep inside an ocean of impossible anguish. Drowning inside himself with no escape. No light to guide his path, no air to breathe. Guilt seized him like a shark in its maw. I should've known. Why didn't I know?

Denial taunted him then, like some dark, cruel jester. She's not really gone, right? This can't be really happening . . .

I can't have . . . I couldn't . . . I wouldn't . . .