How Did I Get There? | Fall Out Boy

Chapter 3. April 4, 2010

I don’t know how much time has passed since I realized where I was. Maybe I dozed off for an hour, maybe two. Maybe I didn’t sleep at all. Subconsciously, I hoped that if I close my eyes, everything around will disappear and I will end up in my comfortable bed in the bungalow house smelling of disgusting barbecue sauce, with air conditioning so strong that it could turn a small room into a refrigerator in just an hour. I was right, everything really disappeared. But only because I did not see anything through closed eyelids. The rubble has not disappeared, and the hanging terrible wires have not disappeared. They hissed like snakes and scared me even more than I was already scared.
I was terrified. I was afraid to budge, afraid to inspect my leg. What if that was a serious injury? What will I do, all alone, under the rubble without medical care and help at all? I was startled by fear. I curled up in the fetal position barely restraining myself from crying. I didn't care if someone saw me in such an insignificant form. I would only be glad to know that there were other people. But they were not there.
I remembered my family: parents, brother, sister. Even distant relatives who came to us from Wisconsin just for Thanksgiving day! Familiar faces swam before my eyes. Childhood friend. Best friends from the band. The face of the restless manager and producer Fernando. Crowds and crowds of people whom I saw at concerts. I could dissolve in these faces... only that would not save me.
I finally opened my eyes and looked up, where the light came from. The place where I fell looked like a meteorite crater. It was like I was an alien. The whole floor was covered with cracks, the tile cracked and was sharp enough to harm me. I tried to avoid these places. I ran my hand along the rough wall to check if it was strong enough to rest against it. I got lucky. I knelt as if I was praying, and transferred the weight to a healthy leg. I was able to straighten up to my full height, pressing my right ankle under myself. I had to get out of the pit where I got.
I got dizzy. I felt it with my hand and wiped already dried blood from my forehead, brown, which crumbled in my hands. Not without difficulty I gave myself the order not to panic. I grabbed the ledge leading me upstairs and tried to pull myself up in my arms. My strength was not enough to hold the body, so I almost fell. I blew the air out of my chest as the hands slipped, but I still managed to hold the wall with my feet. I wanted to scream from how much my right leg hurt as if it had been dipped into a tub with molten iron, then it was cooled and hundreds, thousands of needles were thrust into it. I groaned, and it was like the sound of a wounded beast getting trapped. Hands trembled, fingers covered with cold sweat... but I got out.
When I managed to get up, I sincerely dreamed that my salvation would end there. I dreamed of seeing the way out, the doctors, the rest of the survivors. But, deep down, I realized that I was very naive. I have been told about this before. I climbed one of the hills, stable enough not to fall from it, and looked around the room. It was a large mall, going down several floors. I began to remember what happened here...
                                 ***
As soon as I woke up the next day after visiting the studio, it was difficult for me to find the strength to get out of bed. It was so soft and comfortable that I wanted to stay in it forever. Room has been booked for a month. I could extend the term as it expired, but so far I was not going to do it.
Having dressed, I went to a summer open-air cafe. There was no one around, the guests must have been sweetly basking under the covers. Palm trees swayed gently in the wind. A light breeze was blowing from the sea, which made it easier and more pleasant to transfer heat. So I sweated a lot. God, I hate the heat.
Suddenly, I saw a woman standing behind the bar. I recognized her immediately. It was the same Spanish woman who was at the reception yesterday afternoon. They must sometimes change places with the bartender. At least I really hoped for it.
I hesitantly walked to the bar and scrambled up a chair with difficulty. Along with the heat, I hated bar stools because they were too tall for me. My legs barely reached the bottom rung.
“Do you need something to pour, sir?” The bartender, Theresa asked politely. I did not expect to hear her voice, so I jerked and almost slipped out of the chair. Again “Margarita? Tequila Sunrise? Whiskey?".
“Surprise me” I replied, and Theresa looked up at me.
“What?”
“Nothing, just... your voice does not suit you at all” she admitted pouring me a bright orange cocktail with a plastic tube and an umbrella. What does it even mean? “I did not notice yesterday, but I hear it now. Your voice, it's... too low. Serious. Not for you”.
"Not for me?"
“And this t-shirt ... It doesn't suit you either. Too big” Theresa handed me the cocktail.
Big? It seems like people started to notice how bad old things look on me. I was hoping to avoid this. But you cannot forbid people to see.
“Oh, I'm sorry,” Theresa touched her own head. “I talk too much. Sorry if I upset you”.
"It’s fine. You're right. I like that you say what is on your mind. It’s rare to meet a sincere person” I admitted. That was true. When you spin in the show business, like a squirrel in a wheel, people are constantly around you. And most of them are smiling and waving at you not at all out of good intentions. Most often, they are simple about looking for the most profitable way to use you for money.
Theresa nodded modestly to me and began to wipe the already shining bar counter. I took out a glass and pulled in a drink, trying to look as easy as possible. A shiver came over me from the cocktail: sweet fruit juice mixed at the bottom with bitter alcohol, because of which all my nerve endings were tied into a tight knot and then straightened sharply. That was incredible. I should know the composition of the cocktail from Theresa!
When I turned back, all the glasses were washed, not a single speck of dust settled on the surface of the bar. Behind me sleepy tourists began to accumulate. I heard them move plastic chairs and sit down at tables with umbrellas. Someone yawned, someone spoke in all possible languages.
I was so distracted that I did not notice that Theresa leaned over the counter, leaning on her beautiful, thin hands. I barely had the strength to stay in place. She looked over my shoulder, as if she was only interested in the guests, and whispered, so quietly that only I heard:
"I’m free at ten".
My cheeks must have turned red, because Theresa laughed quietly and ran away to the tourists to take orders from them. I threw my face up, looking at the sky. The clouds were incredibly beautiful, they resembled ribbons.
An hour later, I ordered a taxi and told to bring me to the nearest mall. Not that I was very worried about my appearance, but I agreed with Theresa that I should not have worn such big things. So I came to the downtown, I paid the taxi driver and walked through the large glass doors into a huge "Nordstrom".
The shop reminded me of a huge maze, fenced on each side by high walls. I was at the very bottom at ground level, but the trading floors themselves were higher — multiple staircases and escalators led to them. Throughout the tubs there were incredible palms, so big that I felt even more tiny next to them.
I could not pass by the coffee shop located on the square on the lower floor. There were three of them in the shopping center. The smell of fresh coffee struck me so badly that I literally felt it’s taste on my tongue. Next to the coffeehouse was a place called «Wetzel's Pretzels» and it was consonant with the last name of my best friend Pete – he was always angry when I joked about it.
"Nordstrom" was rather an elite place, here all the stuff were sold for a large profit, and although I did not have to worry about money, I was a little bit upset. I sat down at one of the tables that were free at such an early hour. I wanted to learn absolutely everything. Each shop window that peeked from behind the side on the second floor. Assortment of menu in a coffee shop. Palm trees that swayed suspiciously in the wind. I did not like it. But I remembered that I did not see the mention of the wind in the weather forecast. Although it’s impossible to predict everything 100%, right?
The man at the next table turned in my direction with an unpleasant expression on his face. I noticed that I was stirring my coffee, ringing a spoon loudly. It must have made him angry. I did not want to make him angry. I had to put the spoon aside and take a sip of coffee.
Theresa Stump... well, that sounds good. Stop, what? I sat up so sharply that I almost spilled the drink on a snow-white tablecloth. Do I really try on Theresa my name? Only girls in high school do this! Although, maybe, if Theresa knew who I was ... if she knew how many other girls shouted my name at concerts, would she like me more? But the fact that she was interested more in me as a person, not a musician - maybe she has no idea what I'm doing - could not fail to amaze me. I finished my coffee and got up from the table.
As soon as I climbed the escalator, I saw a long strip stretching along the side. It was painted in the color of the rainbow, which made me smile. I walked along the floor, studying the insanely identical shop windows of the sections with clothes. Having made a circle, I suddenly saw a pet shop hiding in a corner. I did not expect to see it among clothes and shoes, but even more I was surprised at how the animals behaved. At first, I thought that somewhere in the distance a baby was crying, but looking closely, I realized that it was a small tame monkey belonging to the owner of the store. It looked like the monkey that my friend decided to take with him when we walked along the red carpet at one of the award events. I told him that nothing good could come of it, but the animal behaved surprisingly calmly. Unlike this little prankster I saw in the pet store. It ran around the room uneasily, dropped two boxes of dog food and scared the birds. Suddenly it rushed to the exit, and in fright I froze in place, barely breathing. The monkey rushed at me, but instead of biting or scratching, it grabbed my leg and hung on my pants. I was afraid to even move.
“God, I'm so sorry” the store owner came up to me and gently pulled the animal towards herself, but the monkey didn’t let go of my pants “I don’t know what came over her.” Finally, the prankster surrendered, and I was able to breathe out calmly. The owner took her back to the section. I think I was starting to get on the nerves to people in the mall. It was necessary to buy some clothes and leave here as soon as possible.
I made another circle on the second floor and came across people who complained of the fact that there were only two lifts and they were insanely slow. I joined the crowd and went into a rather spacious booth. One of the women pressed the illuminated button 3 on the panel, and the lift slowly headed up. It seemed to me that if there were a ladder here, I would get up much faster. It seemed that in the lift shaft there were several strong men who, with their own hands, pulled the cable and lifted us up.
When we arrived some people breathed in relief and they literally spilled on the ground. Here I was lucky a little more: the third floor did not overlook the inner courtyard of the mall, but instead sections with clothes were located on both sides. I went to one of the shops that I liked the most - I followed pure intuition.
There was a warm, bright light in the hall. Everywhere were hangers with a wide variety of clothes. I went up to them, sorted through t-shirts, shirts, polo shirts and other things. I fished out several t-shirts - the fabric they were sewn of was so soft that it bribed me. I took them with me to the changing room. On the way there, I could not resist and grabbed into my hands a small straw hat lying in a basket. I could not get past the hats. I just couldn’t.
There was a long full-length mirror. Actually, I didn’t really like looking in the mirror, especially shirtless, because I had to change my clothes. In the booth there was good lighting, which numerously emphasized all my flaws. I raised my hands and breathed in my nose - fortunately, the deodorant did a good job.
I was wearing a black and white striped T-shirt. It squeezed my shoulders a little and I decided that it made no sense to buy the same thing twice, because I already had a similar T-shirt that was too big for me. The second T-shirt was too long, I could tuck it in pants but decided that it would give me a lot of inconvenience. When I picked up the third, I was surprised because it was completely black. When I took it, it seemed to me that there was a drawing or some kind of pattern on it, but I was mistaken. It was just black fabric sewn in the form of a T-shirt. Nevertheless, I decided to try it on and did not lose. It looked just perfect!
Out of the corner of my ear, I heard a rumble from the street, but decided not to pay attention to it. Two motorists must not have shared the road. I pulled off a T-shirt, smoothed it a bit on myself and twirled in front of the mirror. Yes, it looked really good with my gray pants and sneakers. I threw a straw hat on my head and was amazed at how wonderful it all looked together. Even the glasses did not seem superfluous! Maybe I still have a taste?
Suddenly, there was a strange ringing. At first, I decided that I accidentally hit the mirror with my elbow, but the ringing intensified. The lamp in the fitting room began to flash - it flashed, then went out again for a couple of seconds. I was a little scared. Floor started to shake, and I jumped in place, not knowing what to do. The crossbar on which the curtain rested, pulled out of the mount and fell under my feet. I was lucky that I managed to change clothes just in time. What did all this mean?
I looked at everything that happened with undisguised horror. Suddenly, there was a jolt and I was properly shaken to the side. I could not rest on my feet and fell into the corner of the cabin, almost breaking a mirror. Oh god ... is it really an earthquake? I had to get out of here! And as soon as possible!
I heard the screams of people and the clatter of their feet: they fled to the street, trying to escape. Glass cases broke, expensive pairs of shoes fell from their niches to the floor. My heart was pounding like crazy. I did not know where to go, where to follow in order to be safe. All this pressured me, I almost caught a panic attack.
I ran out of the dressing rooms and saw that the entire section was empty, and the saleswoman was standing at the very entrance - making sure that there was no one in the room, she prepared to lock the section. But I was here! I shouted, hoping that she would hear me, and she really did. She looked at me and said loudly:
“Faster sir!”
The whole room trembled, as if from a cold. The light went out. If it was night on the street, I wouldn’t definitely find a way out. So I ran forward, trying not to trip over the hangers and stands with clothes. I ran for my life.
“Hurry!” The woman told me. Suddenly she screamed when a huge piece of a beam, propping up the ceiling, fell a meter away from her. The whole mall began to fall apart. Suddenly, the shop shook, and I fell on all fours, almost dropping my glasses and hat. Floor began to cover by large cracks that pulled inside absolutely everything, starting with the cash desk and ending with the insanely expensive shoes, dozens of shoes. I looked at all this hell, being unable to move and decide what to do. Suddenly, the ceiling above me began to crumble. A heavy piece of cement, or the one from which the ceiling was made, almost pierced my skull and did not turn me into a chop. I barely managed to dodge, sprawling on the floor. It seemed to me that the sky was falling. Before I even had time to think about getting up, the floor beneath me began to shake and I suddenly fell into the darkness. I hit my head hardly. The last thing I saw were pillars of dust and a crumbling building.
                                    ***
Here is what happened. I bent the bottom of the T-shirt and saw a label that I didn’t even have time to remove , and, more importantly, pay for. It seemed that my old T-shirt was forever gone under the rubble. I didn’t feel sorry for it. I looked at the dark corridor , which stretched in front, and wondered how I could be saved. Will I succeed?
It seemed that when the earthquake started, I fell through the floor to the lower floor. If this did not happen, I would be dumped by debris, and I would surely die. When I thought about it, I thought about it seriously - not just about what might happen to me somewhere, but about what is real, right here, I started to shiver. My life could end just like that, in my incomplete twenty-six years. I had to sit down, otherwise I would fall.
I heard a lot about earthquakes in California. For the Californians, this was something normal, like frequent rains in New York or a dry summer in Texas, although it is hardly possible to equate an earthquake to such absolutely ordinary things.
I recalled the earthquake that happened in Landers in June when I was eight years old. Then, I was hardly interested in anything other than comics and playing the guitar. All day long, I, as a boy, sat in my room or in the living room and read about the incredible adventures of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. My favorite was Donatello. I liked that he believed that intelligence was just as important as strength , because I agreed with him . He even wore glasses! All smart people wear glasses.
My parents watched the news channel on TV that day . When I said that they were watching TV, I meant that it was only my mother who did it, and my father just pretended to be interested. In fact, he was reading the newspaper that was in his hands . “A push of magnitude 7.6 points” I heard, back then I didn't know how strong it was. They whispered, discussing what they saw. “Jesus Christ” my mother complained, nodding her head in displeasure. My father David agreed with her, without even going into details. Out of the corner of my eye I saw ruined buildings, power lines, flooded areas. The injured people were transported by ambulances, but they were simply not enough. Many of them cried, because not everyone got out of the rubble. Those who did not die immediately spent days under the debris for a whole week. In most cases, this is what killed them.
I did not understand this then, but I understand now. And I could not allow this to happen to me. I can move and I have where to move. I will not stop fighting, no matter what happens.
My glasses got a lot due to a fall : they hung on one arm, they were shattered . I picked up a silver-cast frame and found nothing smarter than throwing it on the floor. They still could not be repaired. I took out my phone and turned on the flashlight - a dim light barely illuminated the rubble, but it was better than nothing. Around me was a real mess, whole clouds of dust, crumpled furniture and crumbling walls, but I recognized this place - it was the same section with clothes where I tried on T-shirts. Even during the earthquake, the saleswoman was worried that the clothes could be stolen, so she locked the main doors. This was not necessary, because the showcase was shattered.
Every step was given in pain. I could not jump on one leg, because the floor was incredibly unstable, and I could fall again at any moment. From time to time my head began to spin, and I got up in place to wait until my vision returned to normal. I started to feel sick, but I tried to keep everything in myself , although it was incredibly difficult. It is as difficult as walking with a damaged leg, but at some point the throbbing pain merged together, and I just stopped paying attention to it.
As soon as I went through the section with clothes - or what was left of it, I had to climb the showcase to get into the main corridor. If my right leg could scream, it would do it without ceasing. I stepped on the fragments, hoping that the sole of my sneakers was strong enough so that they would not cut my feet. I clung to the glass with my fingers, and they left red trails on my hands. Finally, I moved into the corridor and sank to the floor.
Where are all the people? Am I the only one left in the building during the earthquake? It just couldn't be true. I walked forward, lighting the road with a phone and listening to my own steps. Because of myopia, I could not see anything. I stumbled over the fragments, bent over so that the electric wires would not shock me.
So I was able to get to the site in front of the lift. Kids, you should not use the lift during an earthquake, the teacher told us at school, and I understood why. Unless I had no other way. Of course, somewhere here there should have been an office ladder, because if it hadn’t been for it, and during an emergency, many people would have remained blocked on the floor. Like I was. But I did not have the time and opportunity to look for this ladder. It was probably locked with rubble.
I went to the lift and felt the cold metal sash. Then I pressed the button, as if hoping that the elevator would just open and push me down. Obviously, this did not happen. Therefore, I clamped the phone with my own teeth to free my hands, and pressed to pull the shutter doors in different directions. My strength was enough, they succumbed , and I saw the lift shaft: a dark, narrow corridor stretching up , and a long, strong cable. It was close enough for me to reach it, but as soon as I looked down into the impenetrable darkness, my heart suddenly began to beat insanely fast. I gasped for air, stepping back from the terrible elevator shaft. All my confidence suddenly disappeared. I won't get in there! I just... I ... I will wait for the rescuers!
I had to calm down, because I knew that sometimes the analysis of blockages takes a lot of time. I will simply die of thirst and hunger. So I had a choice: endure and go down the cable, or stay here and go crazy with complete loneliness and darkness. Who knows when my phone’s charge will run out. I didn’t catch the connection here, I already checked. So I could only rely on myself.
I put the phone in my pocket without turning off the flashlight. I saw how my hand shook violently as I held it out to the cable. I grabbed it as tightly as possible and, finally, hung on it like a koala on a tree in the zoo, where we went with the class ten years ago. Why did I remember this? The cable swayed to the side, and I screamed, clinging to it so tightly that my knuckles turned white. I closed my eyes and clamped the cable between my legs. I can’t believe that I'm really doing it! Calm down, Patrick, this is not that hard. Just get down. Step by step, like this. I remembered a physical education lesson when I had to climb a rope. I experienced real deja vu . There you go, Patrick, hold onto the cable tighter.
Finally, I was at the level of the second floor, but the shutter doors were closed. A chill ran across my back. I did not think about how I would open them, hanging in the lift shaft! I leaned forward to touch the lift, and suddenly the phone fell out of my pocket. Fuck! It fell into the shaft, but before it crashed to the floor, I saw something that frightened me to death. No, this simply could not be true... but ... I was sure that I saw a crashed lift at the very bottom... and, next to it ... I don’t even want to think about it!
I screamed and started to cry, hanging on the damn cable in the damn shaft. Tears flowed and did not think to stop. I could hardly hold on and I could break off at any second. There was a body, someone's dead body! I definitely saw the shape of a hand! God ... I'll die here! I will surely die here! I started kicking on the doors of the lift, splashing out all the emotions. How did I deserve all this? What wrong have I done? What?!
I hit for the last time and hid my head in my hands. Suddenly…
Someone knocked back.