Bipolar and Me

Part one - Diagnosis

Theres always a beginning and end in a story but this story is all jumbled up into different parts. Thats what Bipolar is its a life of mood swings that go up and down and doesnt follow a certain set order. Where do I begin in my story - the day I got my diagnosis. Its not the first part of my journey with the illness but it's the most significant part.

It was the 7th October 2018 and I was hypomanic. It was three months of the most amazing mood. I was high soaring in the clouds, sleeping about 4 hours a night and talking too fast. My mind was racing with thoughts about the meaning of life and story ideas. I was writing about ten different novels and twenty poems about philosophy, fairies, the universe and the moon. I dont know where the words came from they were just pouring out of my mind and onto the pages. I could barely read the words as my pen went flying on the page. My impulsive behaviour was online shopping. One of the symptoms of mania and hypomania is overspending. The question is what did I buy? Sexy lingerie, cups and more cups and boxes full of books. I love reading so I wanted to buy all the books on my current obsessions - Wicca and fairies. This led me to moonology and tarot cards. I have different types of tarot cards now and still follow the moonology religion. Hypomania made me realize my spirituality which is one good thing.

Getting back to the topic, at that time I was seeing a pyschologist because of agoraphobia. During my sessions the pyschologist noticed my high mood, he questioned my behaviour which mached a bipolar diagnosis. I booked an appointment  with my doctor and my life changed. My best friend picked me up. I was wide awake dancing to music and I only had 4 hours sleep. I spent the night writing, spending money and more writing. I only got into bed at 6 am the time my fiance goes to work. He was shocked at the time I was going to bed and my answer was "Im just not tired." My best friend couldnt believe my happy mood either. I was speaking so much about different topics and she couldnt keep up with me. She took me to the doctor who is my regular doctor. My doctor immediately noticed my mood and asked me questions of how I've been acting. My doctor prescribed Seroquel and told me I have a mood disorder. This is supposed to make me sad and cry in rage but instead I continued laughing and loving life. I was unstoppable. I got home talked and talked with my friend who couldnt get a word in. After she left I dyed my hair bright red and contiued writing. I have so many saved unfinished documents from that time and I don't think I'll ever finish them.

It was a very good time in my life but soon it turned into depression. The depression came in November.  I was taking my Seroquel every night but it wasn't working. I went back to the doctor and she gave me a higher dosage.  The depression was awful and just started out of nowhere. I was sitting in my computer chair, writing my article and then an incredible  sadness washed over my body. I was writing and then I couldn't move. I sat in front of the computer screen for hours just staring at the screen or keyboard. No tears just complete numbness. I was consumed with the feeling for weeks and it soon turned into irritability. Its not good when I'm in a rage. Whoever's in my path will be in my wrath. Its always my fiance and I screamed at him. The thing with Bipolar is the mood episodes go away but they always return. Medication can help but bipolar sufferers will always experience episodes just on a lighter degree while on medication. After my diagnosis my life was a hell with bipolar I was rapid cycling between mania and depression regularly which I'll talk about later. My diagnosis wasnt bipolar two anymore but bipolar one. I had bipolar when I was a teenager and Im 27 now. My teenage years was a living hell but my bipolar got worse as I got older. Before my diagnosis I experienced mania but I thought it was normal. After my diagnosis I'm thankful that I now know what I have. It's been a struggle with finding the right medication and recovering from severe manic episodes.

The next parts I will talk about my manic episodes, crippling depression and pyschosis. I'll also write about my teenage years. Just a note if you think you're experincing mania or depression please speak out. Seeking help can save your life. Thank you for reading.