internal || richie

day 3

i'm trying so hard to get over my dad. i don't even know why i care, he was never there for me, we rarely saw each other, and he didn't even know what color my eyes were. so why am i so upset? whatever. fucking hell. i need to stop thinking about it. god, fuck me. 

eddie came over today, and he read this. i wasn't mad, he's my best friend. i love him. a lot. i wouldn't trade him for the world. he didn't ask to read it, he just picked it up while i was distracted. he was surprised about me writing in it everyday.  i just don't want him reading it again. i plan on writing more personal shit in it, stuff that i don't even want him to know. it's complicated. there's only one thing he doesn't know about me. i don't know how to say it, so i'll save it for another day. maybe tomorrow. only bill knows. i trust him so much. he's amazing. mike is also amazing, we like to have conversations with eachother about art, and music. he's pretty chill. beverly and ben are so obviously into eachother. the way they look at eachother, and i saw a postcard in ben's bag while we were at the quarry, and it had a love poem in it. 'your hair is fire, january embers, my heart burns for you' some shit like that. but the next day i saw it in bev's bag. i think bill and stan might be a thing. they're always whispering to eachother and giggling, like little girls. it's fucking funny. okay, fuck it. the big secret that only bill knows is that- i like eddie. like, like like. i want him to be my boyfriend. he's just so perfect. i think he might be gay, so i see this as an absolute win. i feel better now, that i've let this out here. damn, it feels good. shit, it's 3:30. i gotta go meet up with the losers at the clubhouse. bye.