Ms. Lovato

Chapter 4

‘Girl, you’ve got SPUNK,’ you're probably thinking right? Um, nope. I was freaking out. I was a straight A student, teacher's pet, class president, principal's list kind of girl, and I had just sworn at a teacher and walked out of volleyball practice. Oh god. What was happening to me? This was not like me, I swear. I'm the girl who shushes the class when the teacher goes to photocopy things, the girl who cries when she gets less than 90%, the girl that gets anxiety attacks just because she's deathly afraid of disappointing the people she loves.

But now what? Would I get in trouble? Would I get expelled? You guys are probably laughing your heads off at me, but I'm completely serious. I've never been to the principal's office except to have friendly talks about Bach and Beethoven with the principal, Mrs. Brickridge, because she and I both have an intense love for music history and theory.

            I took a moment to look at the ground, and realized I was still sprinting blindly down hallways. I slowed down and checked behind me to see if anyone had followed me. Of course not, why would they? Nobody cared, anyways. I ducked into a girl's washroom, which was completely empty, thanks to the fact that it was barely 7:30 AM and school didn't start for another hour and a half.

I slid down the wall until I was sitting on the floor of the bathroom, exhausted both mentally and physically. Finally, I could ride out the panic that had been gnawing at me since practice started. I watched myself in the graffiti-covered mirror on the bathroom wall as I let my breathing speed up and my thinking slow down, as I slowly lapsed into a special state of sub consciousness I affectionately call panic attacks.

            Voices pierced my thoughts. "Fucking idiot!" they screamed. "Why do you have to mess everything up? Can't you just be normal for once? You're fat, you're ugly, and you’re fucking pathetic! Could you get any worse?" I couldn't see anything anymore. My vision was too clouded by the tears that streamed down my face. I could feel my entire body violently shaking, even more than the time I fell and almost drowned in my uncle's cottage's lake and I had to be rushed to the hospital because I had literally turned blue all over.

I slumped over and hugged my knees to my chest, silently begging whatever great being that was really up there in the sky to come down and grant me relief from this awful torture. I closed my eyes tightly and covered my head with my arms, trying to block out the screams in my head. My body shook with sobs, which I'm sure could be heard throughout the entire school, but I couldn't help it. I couldn't help any of it.

            Suddenly, I saw something move, though I couldn't tell what it was, thanks to my tear-blurred vision. The Something sat down in front of me, cross legged. "Hey there," they said softly. "I'm sorry."

It must be Ms. Lovato. Oh god, this was embarrassing. I was bawling my eyes out in front of my teacher AND coach? And not to mention, the scariest, toughest, former military member, scariest teacher in the whole building? This couldn't get any worse, could it?

            "Not...not your fault," I tried to say, but it sounded more like a dying fish's last words with the large gasps of ragged breaths I was taking. I held my breath, hoping it would make me stop crying, but it just made me hyperventilate instead. My breathing got louder and louder, and I was aware that I was whimpering at the same time, and that it COULD NOT be an attractive sight or sound at all, but I wasn't in control of my body anymore. There wasn't anything I could do to stop it.