Broken

Collapsed.

The weekend slowly ticked by, followed by a tock, then another tick. The hate didn’t cease to leave me alone. Why do people feel like they have to be so hostile? What do they gain? Why do people find pride in tearing each other down? If people lived one day in my shoes, they surely wouldn’t make it out alive. I feel so vacant inside, almost numb. The words they spit at me hurts so badly that I can’t feel it at all. I’m a fragile plate that’s already broken, yet I still act and look like I’m flawless, and never have been touched. I don’t know how much longer I can pretend, I’m falling apart and nothing can ever fix me, besides they’ve already thrown me away as if I were garbage.

Tired of my phone continuously alerting me that I had a new question in my inbox, I just turned my phone off. What ever happened to people not saying anything at all if they had nothing nice to say?

I feel so worthless, so unwanted. I see no point in life anymore. The world would just be better if I wasn’t here, even other people think that, they told me an Ask.fm, I thought to myself. One of the most dangerous things to do is think. My thoughts were racing by one thousand miles a second. Why should I live if everyone is happier to see me dead?

I grab my phone and throw it at the wall in not only anger, but disappointment. I was supposed to help people by making that speech at the assembly, and now things are just getting worse. 40,000 Americans die from suicide every year, and I decided I was going to be one of them.

During the following weeks, I was still alive. I attempted suicide six times, unsuccessful every time. I downed a handful of pills, hoping that it would kill me, and every time my body refused to give up on life the way I had. People always tell you to hold on and look at the light at the end of the tunnel, everything was going to be okay, but there is no light at the end of the tunnel. I’m surrounded by darkness, no light in sight. If the world hated me so much, I thought I just shouldn’t live in it anymore. I just wanted to die. Everyone would be happier if I were dead, the thought haunted me, not leaving me alone.

I decided to call Rachel and Jordyn, they have always been there for me, I just hope they won’t give up on me now.

“Howdy!” Rachel’s voice comes out loud into my ear.

“Hi,” I simply reply back.

“Hey!” Jordyn says into her phone.

“How are you?” Jordyn’s voice appears.

“I’m amazing!” Rachel answers with almost too much enthusiasm. “How are you?”

Jordyn answers without hesitation, “I’m good. Kylee, how’ve you been? It feels like I haven’t seen you in forever.”

“I-I’m…” I hesitate. I don’t know what to say, I’m at a lost for words.

“Kylee, are you okay?” Rachel’s voice is full of concern, the drastic change in her voice sends a chill down my spine.

I take a moment to respond and my voice breaks at the end, “I-I don’t think so.” My mind is going a million miles a minute and have no idea where to start. “Can you meet me at the park?” I finally ask, remembering the smell of the sweet summer rain and picturing “our spot” on the swings were we used to go every day after school.

“Of course,” Rachel and Jordyn answered at the same time.

Only minutes later, I found myself sitting on a swing that I was too big for. The November wind brushed against my cheeks, leaving them red from the cold. The swing was gently moving back and forth, back and forth, while my feet were planted like a tree’s roots on the playground wood chips. I see Rachel and Jordyn walking towards me, they’re expressions almost unreadable, but worry was so clear on their faces. They approach me and sit on the swings on either side of me.

“What’s wrong?” Rachel’s voice is soft, yet so full of concern.

I have no idea what to tell them, I just thought them being here would make things better. How do you tell someone that all you want in life is to die, and you’re a failure at literally everything, even suicide? My thoughts are becoming too overwhelming, so I decided I should just start somewhere.

“I attempted suicide,” I say after a minute. I could feel the warm tears running down my cold cheeks.

“What?” Rachel’s voice breaks in shock while a river of tears pour out of her eyes.

I look at Jordyn while she murmurs, “Why Kai, why?”

“I’m losing a battle that I know I won’t win,” I whisper.

“What do you mean?” Rachel sobs.

“I’ve been fighting depression and life is just getting harder, I don’t see any reasons to live,” I fight back tears as I speak.

“How long?” Jordyn’s voice comes out soft.

“Two years,” I admit. “All the hate, it’s just so overwhelming. They tell me that I’m worthless and when that’s all you hear, it’s all that you believe.”

“Your worth so much more than you could ever imagine,” Jordyn explains.

“I love you so much, I can’t lose you Kylee, it would kill me to see you dead,” Rachel sobs into my hair while hugging me.

“There are so many people in this world who love you, Kai, so many people who need you,” Jordyn cries.

Warm tears cover my face as I begin to realize how much these girls need me, how much they care about me.

“Please promise me that you won’t ever hurt yourself again, I don’t want to live in a world without you,” Rachel says.

I take a moment to respond, but finally say, “I promise.”

 

Days have passed and I haven’t talked to Jessica or Emma. The moment you realize the people that you thought cared about you the most don’t give a crap about you hurts worse than a knife stabbing your heart.

It was a Monday when I finally went back to school after a four day weekend. Jessica and Emma came up to me as if the past three weeks hadn’t happened, as it I hadn’t even made the speech.

“How are you?” Emma said, her voice rather high pitched.

Before I could answer she continued, “That’s good. Let’s go to my locker.”

Following Emma to her locker like a lost puppy, I saw that girl, the one who was being bullied only weeks ago, being bullied by the same people. It was like deja vu. The girl was crying while the two other girls and three boys teased her, called her names, and laughed in her face. I stopped dead in my tracks.

“Let’s go,” Emma’s voice was full of power, as if her voice could control me.

“No,” my voice came out as an inaudible whisper.

“What was that?” Jessica mocked me.

“I said no,” I exclaim boldly.

Jessica and Emma’s jaws dropped, almost hitting the sidewalk.

I walked over to the group of people and exclaimed, “You think this is okay?!”

“Well, uh, I, uh,” one of the boys stuttered.

“Well it’s not!” my voice came out on the verge of yelling. “Leave her alone.”

“Oh-oh-okay.” the same boy stammered, rather scared.

I walked over to Jess and Emma and said, “You should stand up for the people who have no voice, especially when the whole world can hear yours.”

I walked away, past Emma and Jess. That was the last day I talked to Emma Smith and Jessica Peterson.