Journal #1

Hey

So.... it's been over a year since I've been here huh? Last update October 2018. 2019 was a hellish year wasn't it? Shits crazy. But I ain't here for that. I ain't here for... any reason really. I've come here for a brief moment just to kinda.... just to talk really. 

Before I became dead on here I used to do counseling to people. Suicidal thoughts? Depression? Anxiety? I was the guy to come to. I helped a lot of people as best as I could. I helped a lot of people but... due to some little accidents on my own part, I hurt a lot of people. Some I loved, some I hated, but in the end it was because of me. Despite how I act on here and how much I've helped people, I was, and still am, in desperate need of help. I've been through suicidal thoughts, thoughts of just abandoning everyone else I know and love, running away to where they'll never find me and end it so they don't have to worry about me.  But I didn't because I was worried of hurting them so I've toughed it all out and tried desperately to just force a smile on my face, to tell everyone "I'm okay" and whatever issues they have I have tried to help and everything. I neglected myself and have conditioned myself to just forget myself. 

I'm too scared to actually harm myself, the closest I've gotten to being to go on for days barely eating and slowly starving myself, hoping that I can just slowly fade away. But I know that it won't happen. I'll keep living barely. Hell, when I see homeless people on the streets I think "How long will it be until I'm like that? Probably like a month." I have given up on my own well being and have forgotten any chance of hope for me.

But you don't have to. To anyone suffering like me, to anyone who is in need of help there are people who can help. I used to be the guy for that stuff, but I'm smart enough to know I'm too dumb to help anyone anymore. Whether it's friends or family there is someone who will help you. And if you don't have anyone then reach out. There are call centers and people who will help you.

I know it's scary, I know it's hard. But taking the risk and being brave can set you free. Please, for you and the people who love you, make the call or text or anything. Get the help you need.

1-800-273-8255.

No matter how small you think your problem is, it's always bigger to someone else.

Kamina and Kaiser out.