The year started terribly ofc. It's already the 5th day wtf. More importantly it's already another new year wtf
Yk time is passing by so fast. Days pass weeks pass suddenly months pass and then it's a whole new year. It's weird. Because everyday really feels the same. Wake up either don't feel like getting out of the bed or the room or desperately checking messenger to see who's free and can get me out. But either way so much to do this plan with this friend that meeting debate omg exams coming teacher teacher teacher need to make important calls replying to all the texts with 'I need help' headline meeting people spending time with people worrying about important relationship improvements fixing things making plans for the next day going for shopping and list goes on. But it all feels the same. Empty. And it all feels the same. Nothing matters. To-do list full of piled up works I never even give it a check. What do I do for myself? Cry at midnight. Oh great news I can't even do that just found a change yey. But yet again either way crying or not crying feels the same. Never felt less heavy. Years before people didn't know I suffer now a lot of people know I suffer my doctors say I suffer but that's all. Is it a change? No it doesn't feel better nor it changed anyway I feel. Empty peptalks empty attempts to talk about sth idek. Fails. Not gonna whine and say why I'm even writing this but I am actually confused why I'm writing this. Seenzoning all groupchats like a ghost don't feel like using up any energy to talk to people. I'm not looking for someone to heal me and I'm not waiting for a change. Does that sound enough convincing?
In the end of the day, I'm always, just lonely. Family? Nae. Friends? Nae. Love of my life? Nae. It's all the same. Temporarily keeps me distracted. Amount increases serially. But it never pulls me up for a new road. It's all dark and cold. And lonely. Everyone blames themselves for not being good enough to help me. Some promises me that they will help me. Everytime I meet a new therapist they say this is how you're going to be all free and happy. But that's something nobody in this world can ever be. But atleast the most of it? It goes nowhere anyway. I get offended when I'm treated as an outcast but I'm also offended when I'm generalized because nobody can ever understand the way I feel or feel the way I feel. It's never simple.
I sit talking to someone nobody considers as an existence. Medically I'm tagged with sickness for that. What's the point of my life? It's comforting me I can feel my heart beat relaxing slowly. I don't like it when you touch me. But I can't say don't touch me either. Because I feel how much you understand everything when you touch me. It feels good to know that atleast someone understands me. Atleast somewhere I expressed successfully. Can you pull out my heart so that it doesn't ache anymore? Then do my skincare for the last time. Use the new body lotion I bought from body shop. So that I smell good and not like cigarettes when they wake up in the morning and see me gone. Can you write down the time I die so that they don't assume like always atleast for once? And can you take a mic and tell the whole world everything you know about me. Everything I felt. Will you be there with me when I'll no longer exist in this world? When I'll be scared to know the truth behind my existence will you hold my hand like right now and tell me it's okay you're there for me and you'll never leave me? Can you? You can't because you don't exist. Or you can because you live in me. Talking to you makes it easier to say things. Pull my hair and put a knife inside my mouth. Push it through in. Move it in a circular motion. Is there blood? Can you feel it? Let's lick it together. Wanna take a bath there? I can't swim though. But we won't die so it's fun. You've been agreeing less with me recently. What's wrong? Am I not attractive anymore? Poke in my eyes pull them out. Then look right in my eyes? Can you see nothing? Me too. Jump right in the eyeless eyes. Bring me with you don't leave me out here. Let's strip each other and get rid of the skin. Oh god it feels so good. But where's your skin why can't I touch you? Tear me apart. Every part of my body. How many parts will be there? Let's count. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 yes 7 I counted first yeeeee. That's a good number I love 7. Not bc of some oldtime cr7 fangirling shit. But I did start loving 7 from then tho. Does it matter? Alright alright I accept it fuck you. You annoy me sm. But I do feel better. Thank you.
Only you and I can see that pile of unexpressed feelings in that corner of the room we share together. But thanks for giving me my own space and not trying to touch me when I don't have the concent unlike all those people did. I feel naked can you cover me? You're big enough to hide everything. Can you make me feel home? Can you love the me in THAT MISERABLE CAGE YOU MADE? I HATE THEM AND I HATE YOU YOU ABUSE ME HOW DARE YOU CONTROL ME WHO GAVE YOU THE RIGHT TO CONTROL ME YOU FHIBO I DONT UNDERSTAND? YOU THINK I'M MISERABLE? EVEN IF I AM YOU'RE WORSE THAN MISERABLE ATLEAST I HAVE MY OWN EXISTENCE BUT YOU? WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU? WHO GSVW YOU THE RIGHT TO LIVE IN ME? YOU HAVE NO BODY YOU HAVE NO FACE YOU HAVE NTOHINT YOU ARE USING EVERYTHING I HAVE BECAUSE YOU'RE THAT MF MISERABLE AND I CANT MF TOLERATE YOU YOU SHITFUCK I WANT TO TAKE YOU IN MY HAND SQUEEZE YOU UNTIL YOU'RE ALL MASHED AND CUT YOU IN PIECES AND BURN YOU AND STAB ALL THOSE ASHES AND THROW IT AWAY AND THEN PUT WATER ON IT AND THEN LEWVE
I HATE YOU
BUT I NEED YOU I CSNT LIVE WITHOUT YOU I LOVE YOU PLEASE DON'T LEWVE ME I CANT BREATHE A SINGLE SWXOND WITHOUT YOU PLEASE TEAR ME APART PLEASE
I BWG YOU
I just lit a cigarette it feels good. Thank you. Bye.
And I know you exist I hate them for hurting me like this
