Never Enough

Part 3

I believe the word "love" is used too loosely. How do you know you truly love someone? I know that love isn't always reciprocated. So, is it real in that case if it's only one sided? Love requires effort. It requires compromise. It would be too easy if it didn't.

"I can't even have kids." That sentence plays in my head over and over as I'm staring at two very vivid pink lines. "I can't do this! I can't do this! Why? Why would you lie to me?" I cry while awaiting a response. He's speechless. "I'm..I'm gonna go think."
You.. you've got to think? Wow. I've only been with Sean for three months and now we're having a baby? That he swore he couldn't have?

My life in that moment changed. I wouldn't say for the worse but I wouldn't say for the better.

Months followed that day like thunder after lightning strikes. Sean and I grew closer for sure. I mean, we didn't really have a choice. Unfortunately, his true colors started to show. I would catch him in lies constantly all the while I was bed-ridden from hyperemesis gravidarum. 

"Tik Tok on the clock but the party don't stop!" I wake up to one of Ke$ha's classics meaning Sean was calling. I look at the time at it's 1 in the morning. I knew this wasn't good because he would never wake me up at this time. I pick up, "baby...I've been in an accident and I can't feel my legs." I dropped the phone and instantly went to the bathroom. He told me earlier he didn't feel good and he was going to sleep. I was hurt but I was really worried about his well-being more. He got his sensation back which in unheard of considering he rolled five times and was ejected from the windshield. My head was spinning. But what did I do? I took care of him. I was swallowing my own vomit while bathing, feeding, and changing his dressings. The anger set in along with resentment. He should be the one taking care of ME. 

Then, my son, Eli was born. He lit my flame that lightened my whole world. He reminded me that such innocence does exist in this world. Eli made me forget about Sean's wrongdoings and for a while we were a happy family. We all know that happiness wouldn't last. The days and nights merged into one endless continuum. Sean started slipping into some kind of hole that he couldn't get out of which put a toll on me. I was seventeen and raising a child and a grown ass man. Well, that continued for three years. Until, Sean started paying the consequences of his actions. In and out of jail like a truck driver at a gas station. I thought my happiness would begin here but of course, I was wrong. 

I'm starting to believe that everything around me is short-lived. Makes me wonder if all this is a stimulation. Like, I'm Player One in my own world and the one thing I want most... I can never get.