I got a headache for over thinking... Especially when I bottle things up...
Okay here's a little rant, must be a mixed one, hope you don't get confused. Let's be easy, I want attention. Yes, y'all can think I'm an attention seeker. A loner loser life attention seeker who doesn't deserve to live in this shitty of an Earth. I'm sorry I can be depress, I don't get hugs most often irl. Mostly irl people are pushing me to the limits where I break down and act I'm fine. I'm a heart pleaser, you know how it feels being stepped like shit. I'm so naive. I always considered people. I put people I know as my priority. I defend people even when I'm not close. I count everyone as my friend, even if I'm socially awkward. I know a lot of people but I don't speak to them. It's hard you know, someone expects you to be like this, and you end up being different and they'll dislike you no matter what. Yeah, could be my family who knows. I wished to be adopted tbh. I swear, I wanted to be adopted, im not gonna waste a tear on my family. My sense of humor is good, most of my jokes are dark and people find it funny. I would ask stupid questions. Sometimes, when I'm mad, happy or sad, I often ask myself. Is this how it felt like? My body is forcing me to be mad, happy or sad, but the feelings inside me, are empty. I often confused on how I felt. What's strange is, I only felt something that rarely feels my inside. Lust. Yes lust. Lust is something I don't often have, and it's the only feeling I have. But sadly, I knew it came naturally because of depression. I know a lot about lust, but I'm not sure I'll be happy. Whenever I laugh, I'll realized something, is this how happy feels like? And the question will never be answered. Whenever I do something bad, I often ask myself, is this a sin? It wouldn't be a sin if I don't know it right? And yet again, I'll be clueless. I always have trust issues and often doubt on what people say. I would be like "Okay" "so" "I don't care" "I don't mind". Sometimes I act like I listen, I will listen tbh because idk how to respond. My body is forcing me to react but yet my feelings are empty. Irl, you'll see me smile, laugh and enjoy myself but actually, I'm feeling empty deep inside. Questioning myself all over again. That is why I came to wattpad, to rp and read books, to stay away from reality and let my imagination run wild. Even if it cost my accounts. I often post lewd things to get people's attention, because instant ignore if you're acting normal and clean. My life is sad and timid. If someone gave me a gift, idk how to feel about it. It's hard, I just smile. It's not I don't appreciate it, I just don't know how to feel. My feelings are neutral after constantly being hurt and used. I have this... Imaginative disorder. Where I daydream 24/7. Causing voices came into my head. No harm tbh. I'm worried, if I'll get older, wouldn't it be childish if I still have a wattpad account with an anime pfp and background? I might as well call myself a pedophile at the end. I want to stay young and free forever, sadly life isn't that fair. I'm happy to have a boyfriend, he always give me the feelings where I never get from my parents. He would make me special, loved and also lust. I really do love him even after he hurts me in the past... It's hard you know... Every starter of the story always affect the ending, abuse to lonely, loved to spoil, neglected into rebellious, and more. I don't like to cure my disorder, it keeps me happy to stay away from reality. And the voices in my head, keep me less lonely. I'm not lying, it's just hard for me to explain what I kept bottling up. Because at the end, I'll be ashamed and question, "Is this necessary?" why do I always feel negative emotions? I'm not suicidal I swear, well I once drink bleach but that last long time ago. My family didn't know about it. I lied to my counselor that I told my parents about it so they won't call my parents, I'm ashamed. There's more to say but less to think, I should end here. Goodbye and thanks for taking to read, well if you bother to.
