Beautiful Lily

A good man

"And now..." Belle said placing his hand gently over her heart, "...now I must pay the price." And she disappeared leaving him cradling the beautiful lily.

Rumplestiltskin jerked himself awake from the dream. Or was it a vision? He sat behind his spinning wheel down in the basement of his home and looked around. Had he fallen asleep? He concluded that he must have nodded off from not having slept in over twenty-four hours. Belle's residual voice lingered in his mind from the vision. Why was he dreaming about Belle? Something is going to happen to her. He stood up immediately and in a blink of an eye disappeared from his private work room. He reappeared magically just outside their bedroom door. His heart pounded as he reached the door knob. He needed to see with his eyes that she was safe. Rumple opened the door to discover Belle resting peacefully in their bed. Seeing that she was exactly how he had left her, he exhaled in relief.

He was about to head downstairs to continue spinning when he noticed the packed bags on the floor; their luggage for their intended honeymoon that Belle had packed. He looked up to make sure she wasn't looking and waved his hands over the bags. The luggage disappeared in a cloud of purple smoke. Disappear.

He thought about his dream and how Belle disappeared in his hands. Worry painted his face as he thought about the idea of losing Belle. It pained him. It was the same pain he tried so hard to suppress when seeing his son's body. The painful memory of witnessing his death flooded his mind. He needed to see him again. Even if it was just a tombstone, he needed to stare at it like he needed to see Belle, or stare into his spinning wheel to forget. Only, he didn't want to forget, he wanted to remember. He wanted to remember the good memories. He wasn't sure what good would come from going to his son's grave, but he felt the need to go see it; to grieve. That's what it was, to grieve. Rumplestiltskin's shock was what kept him from grieving properly.

He searched for centuries on ways to get to this land; The Land Without Magic. He felt now as he did before, still searching for his son. But searching for what? Answers? He knew his son was dead, but admitting it would only break down the dam he had built for himself; to protect himself in front of his enemies. Ever since Zelena, he defaulted to pretending like he was still searching for him, as if he was just going to go explore another avenue of magic like he did centuries before. It is what he had always done and it now felt like what he was always programmed to do. And that mission was what he told himself to cope, both as a grieving father and for self-preservation. His denial may have been a good coping mechanism then to save face in front of Zelena, but what now? Who did he feel afraid to hide from?

He had made many enemies in his past. And as much as he wanted to run away from it, the past had a funny way of catching up with him; haunting him. He felt stuck in this depressive cycle of fear. Someone or something from his past is constantly going after him. He felt the need to be strong; to cope, survive and remain constantly focused, but he knew he couldn't be strong forever. He felt the need to grieve; to accept his past mistakes, to accept the passing of his son and as a result become vulnerable to his own feelings. His own feelings were his weakness and to accept and grieve meant being weak. He knew grieving was inevitable, he just didn't know which would benefit him the most at the moment. What was he risking? What would be the price if he does or doesn't grieve?

Belle stirred in her bed. She opened her eyes and noticed Rumple standing vigilantly in the doorway. "Rumple? What's wrong?" she asked sitting up in bed.

"I... I'm sorry Belle, I didn't mean to startle you," he said to her while attempting to leave and give her peace.

"No! Please stay." As much as the fake dagger still loomed in her mind, it didn't explain this particular pain Rumple was expressing on his face. She still loved him so she was concerned about his welfare. She was curious and wanted to know why he was standing there to begin with. "Is everything alright? Come talk to me."