The Real Me

"Which of me's is me? The wild, impulsive, chaotic, energetic, and crazy one? Or the shy, withdrawn, desperate, suicidal, doomed, and tired one? Probably a bit of both, hopefully much that is neither." Kay Redfield Jamison - An Unquiet Mind

6 Jan 2020

My name is Nikita Gerhana. I have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder a couple weeks ago.  I struggle with this identity crisis each morning. It makes it harder to get out of bed. I haven't been in my manic state for a while... But....

When I was in mania, my manic self was my true self. At least, that's what I think. Of course, nobody has seen that side of me, thus everyone was surprised and terrified. I was surprised. Had I not known this self who's a part of me? Had I been pretending so much that my real self was caught up in the opening of the Pandora's box? It was a frightening experience. It was just as scary for me as it was for my loved ones.

I remember being angry and agitated a lot during the time I was hospitalised. Most of the time I could remember what I was upset about, but I would not remember my exact words and actions. Thankfully, the goody-two-shoes in me reigned over other parts of me. I remember being angry for being hospitalised. I proceeded to flip some chairs in the hospital's interview room. The nurse came in and said to me, "Don't do that, the doctors will use this room," so I proceeded in an orderly fashion to fix the chairs and returned them to their original position. Then I sat at a chair and took my medication.

Another time, I was angry at them for making a mistake in my medication chart. I did not want to hurt myself or others, so I punched my stuffed toy instead. Still yet, another time, I rebelled against the day leave rules and went to see someone. However, when I realised that I was doing something wrong, I panicked. I only stayed for 5 minutes updating my friend to tell my other friend about the current situation. I took the bus back to the hospital and confessed about what I did. I felt really bad!

One last story about my agitation, but also my self-restraint. I had approved overnight leave for Christmas. I couldn't stand the constant stimulation of Christmas that I went back to the hospital. I requested an overnight leave a couple of days later, but it was refused, at first. I was so angry that I wanted to throw something to the ground. But I knew I can't break others' stuff, so I threw my own phone and cracked the protector screen. I shouted angrily at one of the nurses, but I apologised as soon as I calmed down.

So... I suppose the honest and goody-two-shoes me is the real me. In both manic and depressive episodes, I liked to make sure that I was still obeying rules that exist. However, the trouble with psychotic episodes--not just manic--is that I would have an uncontrollable urge to do something wrong. Which doesn't help, because I would regret it as soon as I made the choice. I also would mull over it and feel a deep sense of guilt that could not be shaken off.