STATIC; JR [2]

6.3

I nearly threw up when we found the shack abandoned; no signs of life save from the old beds and silly little table we'd set up only a few weeks prior to this exact moment. 

Jake had busted the door open, swiftly kicking in the old wooden slab with such an intense fierceness I wondered if he'd been wishing just as hard as me to find Andy inside - asleep on the floor, finally able to take advantage of the old blanket I would unconsciously steal from him. 

Beneath my rib cage, I actually felt my heart shatter. It broke in half before sinking right down into the pit of my stomach and then dissolving into a million tiny shards as a result of the cold rock it had shriveled to be - drained from all the disappointment of every broken promise. 

Ellen lost her head, threatening to tell the police everything now that she knew where we'd been the whole time, concluding that we were lying about going missing just to catch a bit of attention. Felix tried to reconcile with her and assure her the magic was real and that where we were was real, but nothing would convince her. They argued, only just short of yelling before Sam tripped over the edge of one of the thin mattresses and let out a muffled shriek, falling flat to his back and coughing. Winded, he groaned and wriggled to reach under his spine to remove something he'd sat on. 

It was Andy's ointment; he used to take it with him everywhere. I remember him telling me he lost it one night before we'd gone to sleep, but apparently it had been here all along. 

Sam held it up, closely examining the tube before sighing deeply and tossing it at Jake - he caught it with little effort. I looked up to catch the expression on Felix's face; it was emotional... thoroughly wounded. His tone was grave and choked on his words, like it pained him to say what we were all thinking. "He hasn't been here." It was like a knife to the gut - a cruel and dutifully ill intention to destroy me and the very last shred of faith I had left inside that sketchy home we'd found our salvation in. I was lost inside my mind but still staring at Felix, tough and saddened glare directed at him and then he met my gaze but all of a sudden it was blurry - wet and cloudy. 

I couldn't see. I couldn't breathe; it seemed like there was this weighted destruction pushing and crushing down to work it's way in between my ribs and steal my very soul - suck it out of me and completely annihilate all it bared. I sensed the tense flow in my fingers, trying to juggle the balance of emotional trauma before it exploded around me in some kind of magical uproar. I moved to leave the room, shoving past Jake and scurrying to cross the threshold of the doorway and take in some fresh air, so desperate to do so like it was going to help the situation. 

I wanted it to - wished it would. 

I heard Felix follow me, quick steps of consolation that urged me to keep walking and then run until my legs wouldn't work anymore - and yet I just stood there; right out in the middle of the grassy field we'd once named a safe place.   

Felix had always been so distinct; in the way he walked, the way he talked - even the way he would breathe was so tragically and inexplicably him I couldn't help but feel his aura close by me. He didn't need to call my name - didn't need to say anything - for me to know he wanted me. I stopped and turned on my heel abruptly, hair flicking over my shoulder as I faced his worrisome stare. It was both beautiful and hard, the way we understood each other. Something new and fresh but insanely strict beyond belief that this boy was not mine and I was not his.

I was still bound to be somebody else's, even if I didn't want him anymore for the simplest reasoning that he didn't want me.

He let the other pass us to get back to the van - watched them go and then disappear around the corner beyond the trees. I avoided their eyes, gaze locked on the side of Felix's face, My peripheral vision saw Jake linger there, heedful and envying, before Sam took him away; four bodies dispersing among the green. 

He turned back to me, affectionate and substantial shine to his orbs. He strut over to me, apparently less concerned than I was about any tingle of electrical current running through my fingertips. He lifted his arm as if he was going to reach for my shoulder but I stopped him, taking an abrupt step back from his grabbing hands.

"Don't touch me, Felix." I muttered, sounding significantly less convincing than I did inside my mind. He was not as delicate as he usually was when it came to me and in that moment I did not completely recognise him; he was demonstrating a different type of stress and I mentally questioned if the adjustment in his behaviour towards me was for the same reason I felt I was starting to be exposed to. 

I glanced down at his hands, elongated digits extended at the slight vow of connection. I blinked roughly and held my breath, silently digesting the concept that I might have really and truly wanted him to touch me, just to even slightly graze the bare skin on the back of my shaking hand. 

His demand was fiery, piercing and massively confronting. "Don't push me away." He said, so strong and yet so tender at the same time. It scared me, the depth of it all. He stepped closer and I allowed the comfort - opened up to it, even. 

I wanted to say something or to possibly muster up an apology, but as I opened my mouth to say it I stuttered, not sure what I was trying to apologise for. In turn, I don't think it was Felix I should have been saying sorry to.