tearless eulogy ➯ zhou g.y. // formula two

three part one - unhappy birthday

22 september 2019

amelié

as soon as i wake up, i know what day it is. the day i've always waited for so expectantly, yet now i dreaded it with every bone in my body.

anthoine's birthday.

there is no strength in my muscles, my mind is on shutdown. i never wanted to celebrate his birthday without him, but here we are.

plus, guan yu is coming today.

a part of me is so glad that he's coming, so that i don't have to be alone, and in a strange way, he gave me comfort, like someone that maybe understood my mind.

another part of me wants to ask him not to come, to go and rot in a ditch somewhere because he pries too much and is overall a pain in the ass while i'm just trying to get by with life.

i never knew that someone could make me think so many things at once - who knew you could have so many opinions of a single person?

a knock on the door told me to get my ass out of bed.

"amelié, you awake?"

"mmhm."

"breakfast is out on the table, so help yourself. please don't be late today, and take care of yourself for me, yea?"

i sighed. i really don't want to go for my consultation today, but after missing some lessons due to anthoine's wake, i knew i couldn't miss this.

"i don't wanna go."

she enters the room, sitting down on the bed, while i shift to give her room. she's already dressed, makeup done, bag in her hands - she was the more responsible of the two of us, and it showed.

"i know it's a bad day for you, as it is for me. but the exams are on the way, and you know what happens if you miss consultation - and we both know you hate talking to the professors too much. plus, he's only coming after noon probably, and i don't want you to be home alone and just wallow in grief."

i sigh again. i do it a lot these days, don't i?

"fine. i'll do it for you, not because i want to. it'll probably give you less grief while you're out."

she smiles, hugging me. let go please, this is too tight geez.

"there we go, now go ahead and get ready for the day."

i remember what i wanted to ask her last night and tap her shoulder before she leaves the room.

"are you meeting callum today?"

she nods, sighing.

"he didn't want to spend today alone either, and i asked if he wanted to come over, but he said he didn't really want to leave home. i hope you understand, amelié."

i did. she and callum were childhood friends, who were already dating when i met her. she would always put her boyfriend ahead of her flatmate, and i could understand that.

"sienna, don't worry, i get it. now you should go, before you're late!"

she smiles at me, squeezing me into a hug again.

"thank you, look after yourself for me, please. i'll see you tonight."

and with that, she left my room, and the apartment.

i finally drag myself out of bed, going to the toilet to wash my face and brush my teeth. i put on one of his hoodies with a pair of jeans, memorising the smell. i never wanted to lose it, but i knew as soon as i put this in the washer, i would lose the smell of home.