At the Fields of Fire and Blood

Chapter XXII

Vivien followed the grinning cat down the narrow corridor. She wasn't even surprised at her situation. Somehow, befriending cats that sported flowers and antlers and trusting them to know secret passageways through old ruins had just become something she did. It could be worse, she supposed. She could have become someone who wanted to shoot said cat simply for hissing at them. She fixed her eyes on the back of Joshua's head as the thought crossed her mind and wondered briefly when he had become so trigger happy. He wanted to succeed at the trial and not lose any of them, she knew that much and she agreed with him. But shooting at everything that moved seemed like a poor way to achieve that. Even Darren seemed to understand that. Although, she wasn't quite sure he understood it as much as he was still behaving after having been chastised by her.

Vivien let out a quiet sigh. Wouldn't it be wonderful to be out here alone, taking everything in at her pace and doing as she damn well pleased without being dragged along to everyone else's ideas? She was thankful for their help in getting out of the city and she enjoyed their company well enough, but the fact that their interference was melting away the peaceful walls she had built around her life was sending her into a panic. The desire to keep using her powers still hadn't abated. The sheer need to find out what else she could do wouldn't stop invading her thoughts. It became almost physical, an ache deep in her body to let go of the magic still miraculously running through it, to let go rather than to rein in. She hated it. The last thing she wanted was to break away from the safety of herself.

"So, are we worried about Josh?" Darren asked her in a murmur, careful not to make his voice echo off the walls.

Vivien didn't answer for a few moments. It wasn't common for her and Darren to share worries and even less so for them to do it about Joshua, behind his back. She remembered what Joshua had told her in private, the plans to defeat God and take his place that he had yet to share with the others.

"I don't know," she answered. "Are we worried about Kayla talking to cats?"

She knew it wasn't the same thing and that she was deflecting the question. Darren, for all everyone seemed to think him an idiot, was smart enough to see the response for what it was too. But he simply nodded and kept quiet.

Vivien brought her hand up, bit down on her index finger nervously. There were too many things going on and too little time to go over them all, make sense of them and separate them into neat little categories that passed as feelings in her mind. She needed peace and quiet to process it all. Better yet, she wanted to get back to her lab and work on the tophat samples and not have to worry about any of these moral decisions and who was right or wrong at all.

Darren's big hand closed over hers, brought it back down and away from her mouth. Vivien looked at him, but he was staring straight ahead, not meeting her eyes.

"I know you..." he stopped to find the right words, licked his lips before starting again. "I know you don't value my opinions much. But if something is bothering you, you can tell me. I'll listen."

Should she tell him? It would mean she wouldn't have to carry the burden of worrying about Joshua going off the rails anymore. Darren could look after him. Yet, there was a part of her that relished in the secret, in having knowledge no one else did.

"I'm worried about the trial," she said. "I wish I had taken samples from the first Flowerhead we encountered, I wish we knew more about them, I wish we had more time to prepare."

Those weren't lies. She was worried about the trial and about what the right choice was. She just wasn't voicing the full extent of her worries. That she was worried about the trial and the Pilgrimage not only because she wanted them to not die, but also because she was starting to hope Joshua was right.