stripper killer [matty healy]

thirty four - deliberation

deliberation:(noun) long and careful consideration or discussion.

─ ─ ─ ─ ─ ─ ─ ─ ─ ─ ─

india

"india, whats on your mind?" i hear his voice come quietly from the kitchen as he prepares us some coffee. it's the third time he's asked me in the past ten minutes. not that i blame him; i am sat with my head in my hands fighting back tears after all.

i lift my face up, and wipe at me eyes hard with the my palms that are covered by the sleeves of the christmas sweater. "i just..." i take a deep breath. "i just don't know what to do anymore."

mattys eyes shift from the kettle to me, where he keeps them a few seconds before averting them back. "about what, babe?" he moves over to where i'm curled up on the sofa and places the mug into my outstreched hand.

"coffee." i whisper appreciatively to change the subject as i take a sip. "tastes like home." matty watches as my face sags at the mention of the word. i don't even know what home is anymore. i can't even remember what it feels like to be in my apartment.. in that block.. in that elevator... with harry.

"it's going to be okay." his voice pulls me from my thoughts. i look down to his hand that was on my thigh, rubbing up and down trying to comfort me.

i tuck in my lips and nod. i knew it wasn't going to be okay. the one thing i wanted was matty; but not like this. i'd killed people for him. all harry was trying to do was protect me.. he cared about me. he'd come looking for me, and the moment he did find me, it's like all the little stars in his mind had all alligned at once. despite the constant frown on his face as i gathered my things, i knew deep down he was the happiest he'd been in a long time.

"i'm going to be sick." i annouce, slamming the coffee down on the table as i run to the bathroom, clutching my stomach. rapid deep breathes escaping me as i kneel besides the toilet. "no, no, no." i whisper to myself. "please no." i plead. i'm not exactly sure what i was begging not to happen, i think it was a mix between a panic attack and the constantly thoughts of harry taking over my mind.

i hear the door creak, signalling matty was stood there and my heart pounded agaisnt my chest in anger. you have no reason to be angry at him i tell myself. he said you could leave, you did this to yourself.

"have you been sick?" he asks, leaning on the doorframe.

i shake my head, not looking up from the toilet. "what am i supposed to do, matty?" i ask, feeling tears prickling at my eyes.

"i'm a mess right now." i croak as he crouches besides me. "i can't stop thinking about him, and the look on his face before i did it. it's haunting me."

matty sighs and looks to the ground. "do you love him?"

"what? no!" i scoff. "it's just, with his sister and all..." i sigh, cutting myself off. "he just didn't deserve it."

matty shifts uncomfortably as i look him, his face is soft and sad.. he looks like he's feeling sympathy for me. kiss him i tell myself. you did all this for him, and now you have him! kiss him!

i knew it wasn't the best thing to do given the situation, but i'd been deliberating all day over what will happen next between us and this giant mess, and now that i had a plan, i just needed to have this.

so i do. i smash my lips agaisnt his and wrap my hands around his neck and thankfully he kisses back, despite the fact he is suprised. i push myself futher down on him so his back opens the bathroom door, so i'm lay on top of him in the doorway.

"india." he breathes. "wait." i retract from the kiss to see a concerned look on his face. "you said you we're a mess.."

"i am." i sigh, pecking him. "but tonight i just wanna be loved."

his hand comes up to stroke my face and i lean into it. "you are loved." he breathes, bringing his lips close to mine, and hovering over them for a second. "i love you, you know that?"

i smash another kiss to his lips, then jump to my feet and hold out my hand to help him up. he looks confused again as i start taking of his clothes, but he doesn't resist. i then feel his hands grasp the hem of my jumper before lifting it over my head. a small smile forming on his face as he comes into contact with my bare chest. "are you sure about this?" he asks, making sure to look straight into my eyes.

i keep eye contact with him as i slide off my underwear and reach to flick the shower on. "yes." i take his hand and lead both our our naked bodies into the shower. "more than anything."

─ ─ ─ ─ ─ ─ ─ ─ ─ ─ ─

{authors note}

wow guys, i cannot believe the next chapter is the last one of this story! you've all been so supportive and i appreciate it so fucking much. you have no idea! you are all amazing! every single one of you! this book has come so far and exceeded my expectations, and i owe it all to you guys! i love you! and thanks for putting up with my PHYSCO ass!