FINE LINE - Zion Kuwonu

xxv

// TEDDY \\

"...in conclusion, I think you're being your irrational overthinking self and well on your way to ruin a good thing before it's even started" Elle, my assistant is ranting in my ear as I sulk in the passenger seat, the jet lag creeping up on me. "Why did I tell you any of this" I whine, regretting both my confession of the kiss and allowing her to pick me up from the airport. "Cause I'm currently your closest friend who a)unlike your best friend isn't also basically related to your ex fiancé and b) or one of the guys your new beau is living with. I'm the only impartial party" I stubbornly accept her points, having already known that. Hence my sleep deprivation driven confession which just kind of spilled out when we were packing my luggage into her backseat. "At the end of the day, just...why did you kiss him T? Why did you want to when you've spent a better part of the last year hell bent on making career moves and not even returning eye contact or sparing a conversation when someone's interested in you. Lately you've spent every waking moment that isn't dedicated to work with that boy and his friends, not to mention that trip to New York for two" I find myself interrupting, eyes narrowed "don't forget you were my original partner for that trip" - "and who would you have rather been there with?" My silence follows. "Don't worry I'm not offended" Evie scoffs jokingly.

Once I'm settled back into my house the jitters begin, jet lag long forgotten in the wake of the conversation we had in the car. Shutting out the events which transpired a week ago was somewhat easy when I hid behind a busy work schedule and social meetings which seemed to go on until late hours after which I could pass out in my hotel room without thought. Standing in the same kitchen I have began to teach Z how to cook some simple recipes in lately, made the past seven days of avoidance crumble easily around me. The sound of past laughter, playful food fights and endless cups of coffee rang in my ears. Is that the doorbell? I force myself out of reverie and to the front door with a mixture of dread and anticipation. "Hey bestie" the entire band greets me outside and I'm floored for a hot second, seeing this, Luke comes to my rescue gratefully. "I know we've shown up uninvited but we have food" he waves the take away bags from my favourite sushi place for emphasis. I nod silently, slowly opening the door wider for the four of them to come in. Calum and I make awkward eye contact as he moves past me, last to enter my humble abode. Once we're situated around the living room, and Mike has taken it upon himself to play some music, evidently in preparation for any awkwardness or lulls in conversation, I poke around my plate as Ash begins to ramble on about their latest adventure. "Alright." I drop the chopsticks unceremoniously interrupting his blabbering. "Feel free to take this whatever way. Why are you here? All of you" 3/4 seem taken aback my by brash behaviour. "You're different" we all turn to the Maori boy when he breaks the silence, my head tilted. "That's what happens when your life goes through some changes" my tone isn't bitter nor harsh. I carry on in an even tone "I don't bite my tongue anymore, for anyone. There's no dog food on my shopping list or that specific fabric softener you liked but I thought was itchy as fuck. I don't cancel meetings last minute for other people's sakes and there's no bags under my eyes. This house is centred entirely around myself and I've become the most accepting yet selfless love I've ever known. I'm self sufficient. I'm the most me I've ever been." By the end of the speech I'm out of breath. Silence follows. "You don't think I know that?" My head snaps in his direction. "I didn't want to stroll in here and pretend we're the same people but the boys told me they planned to ambush you to speak about the new album and I...I felt I at least owed it to us, to you, to be there. So...tell me if and how much and if you hate it or which parts you want gone. I'll tell you whatever you want to know" Calum declares, his voice is steady as I look around the four boys surrounding me. They nod in confirmation, Luke coughing to ease the tense silence. My breath is somewhat even yet shallow "I...I don't want you to get rid of any of it" they all show different signs of shock at that revelation. "T" my words interrupt the singer, "some of it is yours too Luke, I know" I grab his hands gently across the table. "I'm sorry I haven't been around after your break up with...I guess facing you when your heartbreak reflect my own was just too real at the time." I tell him honestly before leaning back into my seat. "The album is a work of art, honestly guys. It's raw and beautiful and probably the best and most cohesive you've ever sound. I know it's exactly what you've wanted to produce for the longest time and at this point...I'm just accepting the fact I maybe have inspired some aspects of that process" my eyes meet warm brown ones. "Some of the songs were obviously harder to hear than others but I didn't have to do it alone and honestly,  I'm done mourning. I have been for sometime now" his head drops at my honesty, before we share a nod in mutual understanding. Mikey is the one to break the silence, wiping his forehead in a dramatic display of relief "thank god you said that, cause the possibility of more hours in the studio with these maniacs has been haunting me" Luke, Calum and I laugh as Ash launches at him in mock anger. My mind is calm, settling in this moment as I allow myself to enjoy this playful banter and conversation in between bites of sushi. It feels like a welcome kind of deja vu, except my heart isn't beating in sync with the boy on my left anymore, and I'm at peace with that.