pepto abysmal

bub

This morning I woke up to my boyfriend confirming our breakup. I tried to convince him to stay with me, even though I was the one who suggested we breakup first. It all started at work yesterday (We were coworkers); I left his ripped uniform that I had asked my mother to sew in the bathroom on top of cardboard boxes filled with Awesome. I came in early, per usual, to pick the first Out; so he hadn't come until our shift nearly started. When he walked in the door chimed and we both smiled at each other as he made his way to the bathroom. When he came out he thanked me, greeted me and then talked to another female coworker for a solid half an hour.

It didn't sit right with me. Maybe it sounds silly but I don't think a boyfriend should ignore his girlfriend, especially for another girl. Of course, even before the relationship we were all good friends, but it's just something you don't do (Which especially pisses me off now since he told me that he didn't have to watch what he said around her and that she made him laugh. It's not like I wasn't insecure before). What really ticked me off is when he started to really really ignore me when I was visibly irked. I had already known before that he didn't like confrontation, but I'm the complete opposite. If I don't talk about disagreements they grow inside me like weeds until they come out of all the cavities I have. I knew because of that, that we weren't going to work out. Before we started dating, we even considered putting an end to our talking three times! I felt that this was the best at the time, and because of my anger (Which I totally realize was really fucking stupid). As a result, we didn't talk the whole rest of our shift, and over text we stuck a virtual knife into our relationship.

I didn't want it to end though, I had no i-fucking-dea what was going through my head. Jealousy? I was trying to become less insecure after my last relationship (Wait for that to story to come), but no matter how much I tried I wanted it to be me, me, me. I don't know why I couldn't trust my boyfriends 100%. I tried to bring up my insecurities as a last resort to get him to stay (Maybe pity me), but it only made things worse. He told me there was a line of insecurities and that I crossed it. He blew up.

He told me about how when I got upset I looked so unapproachable, and that when I speak to him while I'm in such a mode he holds back tears. He said that I stressed him out so much he couldn't handle it anymore even though he loved me.

I knew at that point I was a monster. A selfish, insecure, intimidating monster.