The Laws of Water

8. Congress Doesn't Care For Pringles

Congress gaveled into session for Laws of Water, Bill B-221, part A.

Francis was a guest in the audience but was strictly instructed not to speak unless spoken to, by a lady who looked like a flight attendant from a porno.

Will they tell me to eat my vegetables and go to my room next?

Francis rolled his eyes, but only in his mind, lest someone see him disrespecting one of these blackmailed government officials.

He was only saving their asses with the KAM. Millions of American lives, blah blah blah, no biggy.

A voice in his head mocked them, as if trying to spite Francis even more:

"Be quiet Francis"

"Don't be rude to the Senator, Francis"

"Don't eat sour cream and onions Pringles while Congress is in session, Francis!!"

Imbeciles. They don't know what matters and what doesn't. Couldn't tell the difference between Pokemon Emerald and Maplestory if their lives depended on it.

He suppressed a smile of victory at his established superiority and considered unsheathing a tube of BBQ Pringles from his bag. They weren't sour cream and onion, so technically that wouldn't break any rules, but Francis decides to be the bigger man and save them for later.

The laws were read out loud by a black man with a very neatly trimmed mustache.

Francis wondered if black people had a harder time grooming their staches because of their afro hair or if it was an equally complicated task as it is for us, vampiary caucasians.

"Laws of Water, Bill B-221 part A:

"Any information discovered by the Kinetic Aquatic Monitor (from hereon referred to as 'KAM') is public record and therefore accessible to all, upon request to the Federal Bureau of Investigation. The KAM is not to be privately owned and may not be sold to a non-governmental body, in or out of the United States of America."

The room turned into a synchronized macarena of silent nods for a brief moment, confirming unanimously that everyone present was on board with the first law.

Denver arrived a few seconds late to his first congress session ever. What a way to start your career, he thought.

He recognized Francis from Envy Cafe and a few other Senators who sat in the front of the room.

Like a kid on the first day of school who's searching for a seat in the cafeteria, Denver anxiously surveyed the chairs in the room, trying to find the clique he belongs to.

The backs of balding heads and the aroma of stale perfumes made him feel very out of place. He briefly wondered why he ever went to study law and politics and why he couldn't just be a chef or something.

A man with an excessive amount of hair sprouting out of his ears had a free seat next to him, Denver squinted and noticed an "Ohio" sign by the empty seat.

Phew. Not my chair.

Only one more seat was available. It was marked "North Dakoda". Denver walked toward it.

Farrah Jones was seated next to him. She was not balding nor did she smell like anything and her ears were incredibly hairless.

Farrah wore a peachy blouse made of silk. Her glasses matched her light pink lipgloss which matched her notepad which matched her purse.

Denver was the type of guy who noticed such things but didn't particularly appreciate them. He was alert, but... still a man.

Farrah was the type of woman who appreciated a man who noticed such things but didn't appreciate them. Denver didn't know that yet, so he cleared his throat and complimented her purse.

Farrah half smiled, half ignored him and proceeded to listen intently to the laws being read.

Denver caught a strong whiff of snob from the well put together woman who was on time, unlike him. He could almost hear her thoughts, mocking him enough to entertain her but not enough for her to remember tomorrow.

Farrah twirled a gold pen between her fingers. Bit of ADHD never killed nobody.

She looks like a Jessica, he thought to himself.

A mean, bitchy, ignorant, condescending, I-use-daddy's-credit-card-even-though-I'm-thirty Jessica.

Little discussion ensued about the first part of the law. Votes were cast. People shook hands, Francis ate his Pringles and all was well.

Progress, Francis thought.

I have to be on time for part B and C of this session, Denver thought.

Who's eating Pringles? Farrah thought.