Dark Phoenix | ✓

chapter 9

Tuesday, February 18th, 2020

It worked. For a while, anyway.

I knew Kennedy would be persistent but I had hoped that her endless stream of texts and calls would eventually cease to exist.

I knew it was going to be harder to avoid them at school but I'd tried my best. Avoided sitting next to them, avoided eye contact, avoided Harry's lifts to school.

Got the car back, I had texted him last Thursday night.

It was easier that way. I wouldn't have to look at his hopeful face every morning knowing that I could never be enough for them.

On a slightly brighter note, my blood tests had come back all clear. Just low blood sugar. I hadn't really expected anything to be wrong but then again, I thought my brother had been perfect. People were wrong all the time.

My phone chimes as I'm walking into school, dread sitting heavy in my stomach. It was clear that Kennedy had given out my phone number to the rest of the group. It was usually just her and Sydney who messaged me but I'd also gotten a few from Asher and one from Cooper, telling me that Kennedy was really upset.

Harry hadn't messaged which somehow made me feel worse, like I'd let him down. I hoped that wasn't the reason, though. I hoped it was because he knew I needed space.

I walk up the steps to school, my feet trudging beneath me.

I had biology first which would make everything harder. Kennedy always tried to meet my gaze but no matter what, I wouldn't break. I wouldn't crumble.

Until I spot her stalking towards me before I'm even at my locker, her eyes already focused on me like an eagle circling its prey.

"Shit," I mumble, looking left to right to find a place to hide. I was stuck unless I wanted to turn around a walk back out. I wasn't that petty, however.

"Lonnie. I need to speak with you," Kennedy says sternly, her hand grasping onto my arm and pulling me back the way she came.

"I—"

"Shh," she says, glaring at me.

She pulls me towards the girls' bathroom. She waits until it clears out completely, checking under stalls just to make sure that she hasn't missed anyone.

The warning bell rings but she gives me a look that makes me plant my feet.

"Cooper's taking notes for us," she speaks, leaning back against the basin.

I stand opposite her, leaning back against one of the toilet stalls. I catch my reflection in the mirror and look away instantly. Some days I looked even more like him than others.

"I don't get it," she says softly, vulnerability lacing her voice. "I really thought...I don't know. I thought you liked us."

I felt guilty, obviously. But this was necessary. I needed to protect them at all costs from my past.

"It's not that," I say, shaking my head. "I did. I do."

"Then why, Lonnie?" she questions. "Please explain because I, for one, have been trying to work out why you just suddenly stopped talking to all of us."

"I can't—"

"Look, I'm not going to pretend that we know each other well. It's been less than a month. But I hope you know that you can tell me anything," her eyes are so wide and concerned that it breaks my heart.

Even my best friend from Winterville, Millie, never cared this much about me. No one at home did. I didn't know what was worse.

I wish I could. I wish I could tell you everything.

"It's not personal," I say, shaking my head.

She rolls her eyes. "Well, it sure feels personal. You haven't spoken to any of us for nearly a week. You could at least have given us an explanation. I didn't think I forced you to be our friend, but clearly—"

"No, Kennedy, it isn't like that. I swear. You guys are great, really. That's the problem."

I was already talking too much, but at this point, the last thing I wanted to do was upset anyone. I'd already done enough of that in the past.

"I don't get it," she frowns. "We were being too nice and that was the problem?"

"It's...complicated."

She's silent for a minute as she waits for me to explain. But I won't. I can't explain it to her because I wouldn't even know where to begin.

"At least give me something. Everyone is losing their minds not knowing why you won't sit with us anymore. Harry is the most confused. He's seen you walking to school, even though you said you got your car back."

My stomach flips at the knowledge that Harry was worried about me. I was sure he had his own issues and I didn't want to burden him further.

"I'm sorry," I say, my gaze focusing on hers. "It's just..."

She waits patiently until I finally find the words.

Although I couldn't give her the honest truth, maybe I could give her a glimpse of it without putting my secrets at risk.

"I lost a lot of my old friends from home before I moved here. And I just— getting attached again scares me, alright? My parents might move again and I just thought it would be easier to...keep my distance, I guess."

Kennedy deflates, sighing. It's like she's glad that she isn't the problem which makes my heart hurt.

"You can't live your life like that, Lon. Otherwise, you'll be miserable."

"I know," I whisper.

"So that's the only reason?" she questions.

"Yes."

Liar.

"Well, I'm making you sit with us again."

"I—"

"You know I won't give up without a fight," she smiles. "I saw something in you that first day, something almost sad. Something that made me want to be friends with you. I know you don't want to be left alone."

I watch my feet, scared to meet her eyes. "So...a charity case then?"

"No, I—"

"I'm joking, I smile and she sighs, grinning back.

"Look, Lon, the last thing I want to do is push you into a friendship group that you don't even like. So if that's the case, fine. At least be honest though, okay?"

I was having an internal struggle with myself. On one hand, I knew it was safer to stay away from them, to protect my past and their trust. On the other hand, I wanted to be friends with them, because they truly were people that I liked. It was an impossible situation, one that I wish I didn't have to make at all.

I don't answer her and after a beat, she sighs. "I'll see you in class."

As she begins to walk off again, I call out her name. She turns back to me, one hand planted on the door as she pulls it opened into the abandoned hallway.

I smile at her and before I even say it, she's pulling me into a chest-crushing hug.

"I'll see you at lunch too."