Inevitable Flaw

Chapter 47: Blurry and Blind Road

As I surpass the last stair among the case of many, I stand there memorizing each detail that blankets the heavy wooden door. My heart is flying to a numbness galaxies away. I take a moment to inhale as much air as I can.

There is an intense wave of disbelief prying my grave open. I am inhabited on a cloud in a distant memory. The world below and around me fogs, like it's not really there. Like I am not really here, in this moment.

The sky is plump of blue fillings. As I allow my ears to unblock the mute, I listen carefully to the reality that surrounds me. There are birds singing. Trees whistling. A lawn mower rumbles a distance away. A rush of conversation follows behind me.

I feel the pressure dawn heavy on my shoulders when Cici questions my stationary stance. Her reassuring energy marinates into me with a tight squeeze to my hand. Mama takes hold of my other hand. One last inhale. I nod briefly before the door is opened.

There is a period of darkness before a bright path follows a seated position. The caramel walls echo the white leathered couches in the centre. A ceiling that boasts its incredible height engulfs me. The bright chandelier lights cloud my judgement. My hands start shaking under their grip as I finally comprehend the entirety of this.

Quickly, there's a solemn silence, a calmness restored as Adam looks up from his hands as we enter. His shoulders straighten against the small frame of the couch. His eyes focus on me in intrigue and then, disbelief. There's a whole life of insecurity that springs from me in his comparison. And then he stands, his body towering over everything and everyone around him.

I distract myself by placing all of my attention on walking in a straight line with heels. I find myself itching the foreign yet familiar object that hugs my finger. There are too many eyes following me. I return to the stage of my graduation; the paradox of emotions. It's not long before I can feel my entire body trembling. I find mama's hand gently squeeze mine so I turn towards her reassuring face. The path seems endless; a blurry and blind road. One step, two, three.

When we finally make it to the front, I am swimming in a freshly earth scent from Adam. I can feel his eyes on me as I face the small group of guests seated before us. I can't return the look, my body won't let me. Instead, I briefly smile at some familiar faces but everything and everyone appears as one blob. I can't focus. My body weight is carried by mama's hand. As soon as she lets go, I feel heavy and alone.

I lower my cold body onto the seat. I steady my hands onto my lap and turn towards the Imam to my left who holds the space between Adam and I. Everything is flying by me. I start to drown in frustration as my head fogs to listen to my special day. It isn't long before I swim in guilt for managing to always ruin everything for myself.

In the middle of the sermon, a sudden bang echoes the many walls. This follows with the sight of head turns. I immediately panic at the outcome to befall: a rumble of disgust as gum to a desk, the possibility of uncivil intervention, an uncomfortable altercation. It all circles around like déjà vu.

But nothing trails such an assumption.

His hazel eyes appear calm, shoulders to the side. His hair is swept neatly to the back; a well tailored suit furnishes his frame. A neutral expression envelopes him as he walks through some people with apology as his greeting. Smothering comfort resonates through the cushion fibres as he quickly unbuckles a coat button to sit right beside me. There are only so many words for the level of disbelief that consumes me.

He repeats his apology for his lack of punctuality to the Imam who briefly dismisses them. The sermon continues just as fast as the shock of the fresh intrusion disperses.