sign of the times | joshua bassett

ELEVEN

EMMIE'S POV

it had been a few months since i met my current best friends. school was normal, but i felt like my life was so much different compared to the way i am at school. josh began coming over either with olivia or by himself a lot. we didn't have to do much, and yes, he caused butterflies in my stomach.

it was the middle of february when things started to change. my anxiety worsened, my intrusive thoughts interjected into every part of my life and i grew sad. of course i had a great life, but it didn't erase what was going on inside. the work load after winter break got heavier, i felt alone in a crowded room and trapped in my head. i was good at putting on a show—nobody knew because of my smile, not even olivia.

the middle of march rolled around. school picked up a lot so that day i planned on coming home from school to study for hours. i drove home from school and didn't want to go inside. my day consisted of being interrogated by morgan and her clique until they became bored, class, finding something to do instead of sitting in the cafeteria and trying my best to get through the day. i was glad to be out of the worse situation, but i hated being alone in dead silence because it gave my mind the invitation to let my thoughts run wild. my mom was at work, so i decided to blast music.

i started studying at two thirty and it was suddenly four when my tears blurred my eyes. i wiped them and put my head in my hands. it was times like this when i wished my mom was home, i needed someone to talk to. i felt my face heat up as i clenched my jaw, fighting the pooling tears. my chest grew heavy and i couldn't breathe like normal. i gasped for air, then exploded into a sob. it grew into an anxiety attack, my short breaths became even shorter than before. i was scared, i didn't know how to calm down. through my sobs and hyperventilation i heard my door open. my head felt too heavy to move it.

     "oh my god," josh's voice said. something thudded and he asked me if i could pick my head up. slowly, still sobbing, i lifted my head. i didn't even want to know what i looked like. "follow my breath," he said as he took a deep breath. i took a shaky one. we breathed for a few minutes until it returned to normal. tears still spilled out of my eyes, so i closed them.

after i calmed down to a normal position, i sighed. i sat down next to him on my bed.
     "sorry," i said as i wiped my face.
     "don't be." he pulled me into a side hug. i leaned my head onto his shoulder. "do you, um, have-"
     "anxiety? yeah,"
     "okay, i'm glad i was here." he nodded.
     "me too, thank you." i lightly smiled.
     "do you want to talk about it?"
     "i don't know, i guess everything is happening at once. school is the worst, i'm burnt out, i have no friends besides you guys and none of you go to school with me, these girls are absolutely brutal and my mom is never home." it felt good to let it out.
     "i see. well, i know it wont solve your problems, but i'm always here for you. everyone else is too."
     "thank god, i don't know how i lived my life without you guys."
     "oh," he turned around. "i brought you these," he handed me a bouquet of sunflowers.
     "why?"
     "because i wanted to. i was buying cookies at the store, i saw these and they reminded me of you."
     "you are the sweetest!" i looked from the flowers to him. i couldn't help it, something in my brain told me to go with my gut. i leaned in and kissed him. almost immediately i pulled back, my face was hot. "i'm so sorry, oh my god, why did i do that?" i turned around. i had know idea where that came from.
     "its okay," he said. his eyes moved from mine to my lips. he cupped my face and kissed me. "even," he smiled.