My life I guess

January 16, 2020

I'll admit that I am kinda procrastinating on the things I need to get done tonight. But that's why I'm on wattpad and writing my story so I could get my productivity juices goin' (if you get what I mean). I'll just rant out what's been on my mind lately and reflect a bit (you could follow along if you want, talk to yourself, see what's been troubling you these past few days or weeks).

I am really trying my best to be productive and to do things parents look up upon. And for me, I'm doing okay! I've been very productive since the start of January (maybe even before that) and I've only missed one day of update in wattpad. Most days I complete my morning routine and I always get up early (the latest I was woken up to is 7 A.M.). When I need to study, I focus really hard and I don't get distracted very easily. I keep myself and my environment clean as well. And I try to get along with my parents and my sister.

But, why do I still mess things up? If I don't, my mom wouldn't be mad and lecture me on most days. Why do I still forget these little things like my umbrella or etc that makes my mom mad? Of course, there are more reasons why she gets mad, it's just forgetting the umbrella is just what I remember today. Why can't I go on a day without disappointing them? Isn't that one of my resolutions? No actually, that's what I've been wanting my whole life.

And I'm not yet confused at that part. I'm confused (and kinda irritated tbh... not mad, just-) on why they wouldn't acknowledge my changes? It's obvious that I'm changing... right? Or am I just not doing well? No no no, this can't be. I also promised myself that I would torture myself no more. But I'm still confused. DON'T GET ME WRONG, my mom is usually sooo cool and amazing. It's just that, me trying to change myself and them not noticing kinda hurt. But I should blame this on myself because I've already printed this image of myself on them that I'm this lazy disgusting brat that has a crappy brain, so yeah.

I don't really like to tell other people this and look like a show off (that's why I have no cover pic and a grand title... also Shalei isn't my real name sooo...) but thinking that someone would actually know what I'm going through without me losing words to try and speak up is kinda soothing (even if no one replies). And besides, this is like me telling other people (in a lowkey way) that they're not alone, as cliche and sappy that may sound ;)

Today's journaling prompt was sooo long so I decided to summarize it to one question: What are your fears and what makes these fears do to stop you from doing what you want?

Technically there are two but wtv. I'm scared of not being able to move and not being able to act on something before it's too late. The first one is dumb so I'll skip that (but basically I hate sleep paralysis). The second one is kinda what I'm doing now. I'm afraid that if I don't change myself now. I might drop out of my school, disappoint my parents (because they honestly think that I could do better which overwhelms me) and their image of me just being awful might not go away... so yeah.

I really didn't want to make this all sad and stuff but last year I really didn't express what I was feeling. And because of that, my chest would tighten from guilt and I would continuously cry every night. I don't want that anymore. I would rather want people to look at me being weird because they could see how giggly I am while doing something one my phone (only to be found out reading cliche love stories hehe).

All right, time to get back on my work :)