awakening Yoonmin/taekook

ep 7 "changes"

jimin "heartfailure"

i woke up in the middle of the night. he was still next to me, what calmed my heart down. i didn't noticed that my pulse was over 200 in the first seconds. i looked at him and admired his elegant swung eyes, brows and cupit bow. oh how much i loved this face. i knew everything of this face, of this body, of this human and his mind. but his mind was now strange to me. at least..... his body remembered me. and i took anything.

with a deep sigh i nuzzled more into him, his arms wrapped around me immediately. i felt so safe, at home again, even i knew his mind wasn't that far. i kissed his skin and pressed my nose more into it. he pressed me more into him. how sweet.

"are u asleep?" he whispered. "nope" he gave me his chuckle that i missed so much. "me neither....that was... wow... something.... is it like that always with us?!" "yeah" "wow" we were silent for some time, he stroked my hair. "i am sorry" "for what?" "that i hurt u the last time and don't remember u" "its ok... it takes time" "thank u" "hmn..." "and sorry that i read your diary" i flinshed and sat up. "u...what?" he sat up too.

"i... found it and ... i thought that it would help to remind maybe" "u read my diary? my very privat thoughts?!" "don't be mad, please" i stayed silent for a while, i needed time to digest that he knew all my thoughts about him and our... relationship. "it helped me" "with what? u still don't remember" "but to understand. what i am to u" "ok" he sighed.

"listen. i thought i am still with a girl. a girl i really liked, but instead i am now with a boy. its confusing, was... and after i read your diary and how it all started, i can understand why i am with u" "aha....still, its really personal for me" "yeah... u really didn't spare any details" he raised his brows. thanks for the darkness, cause i got pretty red in the face. i knew i wrote it all in detail. "thank u for staying by my side, even i am a jerk and thank u for still loving me, even i don't deserve it" he whispered. i was surprised.

"why are u thanking me? we loved each other. we are togehter. of course i still love u." he looked at me, switched the lights on. "anyone else would walk away" "everyone who doesrnt love the other one, but not me. u would do the same, if i would be in this position" i stated annoyingly. he grabt my face. "i dont know if i would do that" "of course u would" i scrunched my face. "jimin... do i love u the same way?" "yes, u did." i felt tears in my eyes. "why are u asking this?!" "we felt the same way?" "for fucks sake, yoongi! i told u i am gonna propose to u on your 18 th birthday and u said u would say yes" kinda lie, but what the hell. "i did?" "yes! u did." i was desperate.

i was fighting for my love here. "i really loved u like u loved me?" "yes" he looked down and thought about it. after a while i asked "why are u asking?" "i only know your side.... i dont know what i was thinking about this. i don't wanna hurt u, if i didnt love u that much" reasonable. still... "yoongi, u can ask my mom, or tae, or kook. u love me as much as i love u. please belive me" he nodded, but was still skeptical. he wanted to be sure for himself. is this the way everything was going to shit for me? how i am gonna lose my love? the love? he was my life. and he doubted that i was his. i could scream and throw a tantrum, but for what?! how was i suppose to made him clear that he loved me as much?! i starred at this lost, sad, devestated boy on my bed. i saw his doubts, fear and sadness in his eyes. i was crushed. that wasn't the look i wanted in his eyes. that wasn't what i thought would happen. did i lost him now for good? dont do that! come back to me! please! come back to me!

yoongi "jerk or no jerk, what the question?"

i was down. what if i didn't love him how he deserved it? what if i didnt love him that much, that i would spend the rest of my life with him. what if..... i was an asshole and just used him for sex and nothing more?! made him belive there was more than that. was i .... an asshole? was my intention to hurt him later? to tell him that he was only my whore for some time?! this angel? this heavenly wonderfull human beeing?! this beautiful boy? was i am using him, for my own reasons? did i just played him? what if i remembered one day and all my fears were true?! that i didnt love him. that i only act so i wouldnt be alone?!