Her Unknowing Words

Daddy

You ever feel lonely, left in an empty abyss and the only person that could possibly give you light is the one person that is too toxic to allow into your life.

That was 'Daddy' to me. That toxic light that you couldnt stare into or allow to touch your skin in the darkest of times because he would only rot your flesh faster than the darkness.

He would only enjoy your pain. He would only express his love through your unfathomable exrucating confusion. He would give a direct order and then sit in a front row seat to watch your mutiny take place on a stage.

When i first met 'Daddy', he saved my life. He was seen as a hero in my eyes. I remember it, i will always remember it. The pain of tearing in my neither regions, over and over and over and over. The distant grunts that rang in my ears and vibrated through my mind.

The crunch of leaves beneath me, my vision dark. The feeling of rough hands squeezing my thighs and holding my legs in place. The horrible, stinky smell of alcohol and then the girl. I only opened my eyes one time when it happened.

The only thing that i saw when it happened, the one thing that haunts me in my dreams is her face. She lay next to me lifeless, eyes dull, mouth gaping open. Her body bouncing in the same rhythm as mine as she lay on her back.

I remember reaching out for her sprawling hand that lay limp against the ground. Crying and begging for her to hear me. I wanted her to know i was sorry for what she was enduring.

Thats when i realized, i touched her hand and i realized she was dead.
She was mindlessly and liflessly being torn just as i was. That was the first moment i remember wanting to die in my life.

I was sad, but not just sad. I was angry and jealous. I was angry and jealous that she died and i had to endure the tearing pain over again.

I was jealous that she was now in peacful heaven and i was trapped in my body. I had to feel the pain, i had to cry and gasp for air, i had to look at her lifeless body and listen to their laughter.

"Why, why me!" was the only thing that rang through my mind. "Why me!" was the only thing that i held onto in that moment. "Why me, damnit why me!"

Then i blacked out. I heard my name in the distant dark. I hoped i had died, joy filling me when i realized i would never exist anymore. I was happy, i saw a light and heard a promising voice. But theres always something. There is always something that keeps me from dying, and i hate it. just before i was indulged with warmth, every second of my life flashed in my vision.

Every moment me and my brother argued, every moment me and my mother hugged, Every moment my father smiled, and every piggyback ride.

And i hesitated.

In that moment i froze, and now i regret that decision because if i would have just let go i wouldnt have to be here. I wouldn't have to live my every day life through pain.

But whats done is done, and whats mine is now his.

'Daddy' smiled the first time i told him that story. I think it's because everytime i do, i cry. he loves my tears, he says i am beautiful when i cry because my tears shine like crystals. Reflecting my smooth skin like an living perfectly sculpted doll.

Though he often complains that im not as pale as a doll he stills seems to appreciate my pain.
He still appreciates that im alive. Something i wish i could demolish in myself...life.

   Thats why when he stands tall over me strapped to "The Resting Table", i cant hardly believe that its him. Even so, the smile the man standing over me holds belongs to Daddy. The widineng dark broad shoulders that seem nearly menacing are Daddy's.

So i know...sadly....that its daddy.

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Today i wait in the room for food. Any second Daddy will come down those stairs and give me left overs from yesterdays dinner or fast food and some water. He never gives us juice, i wish he would but i dont dare ask. I havent had juice since ive been locked here.

I can feel my clamy tounge sticking to the top of my mouth knowing that at any moment the door will creak and my thirst will be quenched. Hopefully.

My hands are no longer tied behind my back like the rest of the girls because Daddy trusts me. Also probably because im not an lifeless doll like the girls here. I believe he does it to take percaution.

He wouldnt want one of his dolls to be faking or suddenly wake up and decide to run away. Just in thought, the door creaked. The sound itself got me so excited I almost felt as if i was bopping up and down. Then daddy's foot appeared hovering over the last stair.

He knew i was excited and he was taunting me. I began to whine like a puppy would beg for food. Then he finally turned the corner.

A surprising smirk on his rough face. Red eyes squinting at me. He moves his hands toward me in an open manner just like you would offer a dog food.

Except there was nothing there. He was only giving me a nice veiw of his empty hands to emphasize my hunger. My stomach growled in anticptaion, angry at me for getting my hopes so high.