HERO

18 / Being Yourself

As Thomas walked back to Bren, he wondered what she'd say. He had a hundred fleeting conversations surge through his mind of what she might say. 'I need you' wasn't one of them.

"You do?" he asked.

Bren nodded and a mass of hair fell in front of her left eye. She brushed it away, tucking it behind her ear.

"I do," she said, but Thomas didn't hear her.

Instead he was staring at her hand. In the slightly curled fingers was a mass of hair strands. Bren's. She followed his gaze and, when she saw it, lifted her hand up to pick them off.

"Don't worry about it. It's been happening for a while. Stress or something. I've got plenty left."

"Erm... OK," he said uncertainly.

Granted, they hadn't been large clumps of hair that had fallen out, but there were more than just the odd one or two. He changed his focus to the hair on her head. He could see patches where it was thinner than in others. He didn't think that was as it should be, but he kept his comments to himself. He had his own issues to worry about before being concerned with hers. He refocussed. He was angry with, not concerned about her.

"Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why do you need me? No one ever needs me."

Bren looked down and started to check her fingernails for dirt. He could tell she was avoiding his gaze, not least because her nails were shorter than his and looked to have been chewed as short as they could be without hitting flesh. Under other circumstances, Thomas might have felt sorry for her. At this point, he didn't.

Her fingernails held her attention for a few seconds more, then she looked back up.

"I need you to show me how to be normal."

For the second time in as many minutes, Thomas was shocked into silence. He opened, then closed his mouth. Then he opened it again. It stayed there, his lower jaw hanging loose until he thought of something to say.

"Oh?"

"Yeah," she said. She was looking at him, but was avoiding eye contact, as if to look at him directly might bare her soul. "You're normal, and I want to be. But I don't know how."

"What do you mean I'm normal?"

Thomas's stomach flipped, sending bile up to his throat to be swallowed back down. Did she know? He'd thought she was perceptive, but not that much!

"You're not swallowed up by the whole 'Look at me! Look what I can do!' mentality. When you saw what I could do, you didn't feel you had to prove yourself. You're just getting on with getting on."

Oh, that sort of normal. At least it meant she didn't know.

"Well, I'm just being me."

"I know. I wish I could just be me. I've been what others want to be, or what I thought I needed to be, for too long."

"But I thought you'd run away from it all?"

"I wouldn't call it running. I got out. But I still don't know who I am."

Her position was similar to Thomas's. She didn't know who she was meant to be and nor did he. She had powers and was struggling to not let them be all she was known by. He had nothing, and had no idea of how gaining them would change him. Perhaps they could help each other.

For that, he'd have to tell her everything.

"Who do you want to be?"

"How am I supposed to know that?" she asked. "And why would that matter? We don't get to make those decisions. Like I said the other day, we get lumbered."

Thomas could see, but didn't agree with her position. She had the very thing that made her accepted. She could go anywhere. Do anything. All the things missing from his life.

"Of course it matters! You get to do anything you want. You can, literally, be anything you want."

She shook her head vehemently.

"No! You're wrong! I've only ever been what people expect me to be! Change into this. Look like that. Push, push, push."

"But, I thought you said you'd done it yourself. You practiced and everything."

"Yeah, but I was... I needed to..." Bren paused, shaking her head with her eyes closed. "If all I was going to be was my dad's trophy, I had to be the best I could. I wanted to make him proud, but I just made him want more."

"So, what do you want?"

"That's what I need you for."

"Me? I don't know you. How am I supposed to know?"

"'Cos you are just... you!"

"You've got no idea how much I wish I wasn't."

Bren smiled, something Thomas wasn't expecting.

"What's so funny?" he asked, confused. They'd gone from serious to amusing?

"Looks like we just need to swap places and we'll be fine."

Thomas doubted that. If they swapped places, his dreams would have come true. Her nightmares would have just, really started. He didn't doubt she'd had it as difficult as she'd said, but at least she was part of the world. He was an outcast, standing on the fringes, waiting for everyone's attention to be elsewhere so he could slip in unnoticed and join them.

He didn't say anything. He just nodded, trying to look thoughtful.

"You look like you need a friend," she said.

Thomas nodded. He did and he'd hoped she was that friend. She needed one too, though he wasn't sure how he could fulfil the role. At least the was no longer alone. Well, not entirely. If his mind deteriorated as was promised, he didn't want her to have to deal with the fallout.

He felt suddenly close to the girl, though she was still, essentially, a stranger. He didn't mind that fact. He'd only had his father for so long, and now his father had taken himself away from his son by allowing his son to be taken away.

He had a sudden urge to tell Bren the truth about him. He didn't want her to become too attached to him, if there was a chance she might, and then discover it. Eventually, he'd have to demonstrate the powers he didn't have. It couldn't be hidden forever as, by the need to use them or increasing insanity, he would be found out.

"I need to tell you something," he said.

He felt unsteady, the strength in his legs receding rapidly. His heart was pounding loudly enough to make him wonder that she couldn't hear it.

"You don't need to tell me anything," she said, holding her hand up to stop him.

"No, really I do."

"No, really you don't. Whatever you think I need to know, I don't. Maybe I already know it. Maybe not. Either way, I don't care."

Thomas thought that she really would care if she knew. Her words did nothing to dampen his urge to tell her his secret, but perhaps it would wait. Maybe there'd be no need, in the end. Being in Bren's company made him feel more confident. He felt he was closer to the resolution of his problems. He also felt that he wasn't the complete waste of space he'd been made to feel like ever since he'd turned eight and nothing had happened to him.

"Let's get out of here," she said. "I don't like to hang around in one place for too long."

It sounded like good advice and made him feel like he'd made at least one decision that had worked out. He couldn't hide his smile.

"What you grinning at?" she asked.

"It's just wind," he answered, sniggering.

"Ugh, gross."

They both laughed. The seriousness of moments before was forgotten, even if only momentarily.

"Come on," she said, turning to walk away.

Thomas nodded and moved to follow.

"Where're youlovebirds off to?"