Our love is my mixtape (Zarry AU)

one song at a time (prologue)

I remember it clearly. The day we met. It's like that memory is burned into my mind. Always ignited, even if the flame had died down a long time ago. There is still that tiny spark. A shimmering light, waiting to be either extinguished for eternity or to be lit up again to shine forever. To light up the world and its rays would reach every last corner, brightening it up as well.

So there are these two options, either one should be fine. That's what I'm telling myself every day.

Harry you will be fine. It'll be okay.

But my heart just can't decide what choice it should make. So I am stuck in the middle. Stuck in that vicious cycle.

And maybe deep down I am hoping for your hand to reach out for mine. To rescue me and show me what it is like to be loved. Just as you once did.

So yes, I know I am a fool for waiting, for wishing it could actually happen.

Reality has to be distinguished from my perfect mirage.

Nonetheless, I am still holding onto the past. To our memories. To our love.

Replaying the same old songs, wondering if you have done that too? Have you listened to our story? Have you listened to each song at a time, playing them in the right order?

I wish, I'd knew. I wish I could see what you are doing right now. I wish I could hear your voice calling out my name, the way only you can. And how I wish to see you smile for me once more. Just one time.

And I think I would be able to die right after. Because at least I'd get to see you smile at me one more time.

Unrequired love really is the most painful feeling in the world. It leaves you with everything and nothing at the same time. Reminding you of what could, but never will be.

So that leaves me sitting in a worn out chair in my small apartment in Brooklyn. There are books scattered everywhere on the floor. A few dirty dishes are still placed in the sink, because I have been too lazy to put them in the dishwasher yet. Why care for myself, if the only thing I want is for you to care about me?

It hurts to go home each day. To be so lonely all the time. I barely feel anything. I barely recognize what I'm doing.

There is just one thing making me break out of that shell. That one thing we used to do together all the time.

So that is why I am ending up, sitting in my chair every evening.

Putting on our vinyl. Playing it once. Then starting it all over again. Letting the memories flood my mind. Just so I could relive them again. Just so I could feel close to you.

Just so I could still hope.

Until eventually I will fall asleep and the scratching of the needle will wake me up a few minutes later, so that I'll play it from the start again. And again.

Because I am hopeless. Broken.

Reminiscing, but forgetting to live.