End my pain - depressed deku

2

TW Panic attack, Depressive thoughts, Self-harm, Suicidal thoughts

Dekus POV

I wake up with a start when I hear my alarm going off at exactly 7 AM. I reach my arm out, smacking stuff around on my nightstand before I finally turn it off. I get up and stretch, hearing my back crack a bit. I do my morning routine, taking a shower and applying a small amount of makeup. I walk out of the small bathroom and grab my bookbag, putting in some of my other schoolwork in with the crumpled homework from the night before.

I exit my room and go into the kitchen where my mother is making a small breakfast for the two of us. I send a small, yet fake, smile to her as I sit down at the table. "Good morning Izuku." she says with a smile. She finishes the food and puts half of it in front and the rest is given to her. It's a simple bowl of rice with fish (because according to google that's a common Japanese breakfast) and I realize how hungry I actually am.

I haven't eaten in over 24 hours due to the voices but do I actually want to eat? You don't. I frown at the food but I can't be picky about it. I try my best to ignore the voices as I eat the food and soon, I'm finished. I leave the house while saying bye to my mom and put on some music. Only a few other people walk down the streets right now, either going to work or school. I walk in silence but soon I'm at school, making me put away my phone and head into class.

I send my usual fake smile towards my friends and sit next to them. I talk with them a bit but soon go silent when I hear a voice. They just pity you. The voice sounds so loud that I almost start looking around, thinking that someone outside myself said it. Why are they so loud? They're usually easy to ignore but now they're louder than ever. I take a quick look around the room and excuse myself from the conversation, I need to get out of here.

I almost run out of the room, speed walking down the hallway. You can't run from me. My thoughts only seem to get louder so I pick up my pace. I make it to a small bathroom and lock myself in one of the stalls. My breathing has picked up and whether it be from me sprinting down the hall or a panic attack, I don't care. I pull at my hair and tears prick at the corner of my eyes. Why do you even try?

The voice pierces through my sobs and nothing is making them shut up. They all hate you. You should just end it all. I retract my hands that were previously tangled in my hair and look down at them. Through my blurry vision, I see my shaky hands with the right one having a large scar that's just a tone lighter than the rest of my skin. I got the scar from overusing my power, causing harm to myself.

You deserve the pain though. I know I do. I accept the voice, responding and agreeing with it. Then why don't you go hurt yourself? You can find something to cut yourself with somewhere in here. I give it a small nod and slowly get up and open the stall door, mumbling to myself as I get to the sinks. I repeat what the voice told me over and over, mumbling it under my breath so that I know it.

I look at the mirror and with all of my strength, I punch it. It immediately shatters into hundreds of pieces, a few piercing my hand but most falling to the floor. I retract my hand, ignoring the pain and reach for a fairly large piece that had fallen to the ground. I grab the sharp object with delicate fingers and bring it up to my face. I can't see much of my face through the slice of the mirror but I do see the tear stains on my cheeks with tears still running down the trail.

I slowly roll up my left sleeve, revealing freckled and untouched skin. My shaky hand brings the object towards the skin and hesitantly makes a slice into the skin. I'm sorry mom. Small beads of blood blossom from the cut. I smile slightly as I go to make another one, this time cutting a bit deeper. The same thing happens and I soon find myself making more. I end up with about 15 cuts on the arm before I realize something, I have nothing to bandage these up with.