I just want to become invisible. I want to dissappear.
Why they can't understand how hard it is this for me. Remembering everything I touched. I don't want to remember but I do.
That's not fair.
"You need to think about others." said my grandmother.
But you don't think about me. About my feelings.
You don't even try to understand how hard this is.
All I hear is "You can do that. You need to try. See? I have a back pain but I still go to work."
All I do is trying! Why the fuck they can't understand that I'm not like them? That pain in your back is something else, than thinking again and again about what I touch. They don't even understand that wounds on my hands are itchy, they give me much pain but I still wash my hands.
They can't understand that I can't just say "I need a little time for myself. Here have my OCD." Because this is exactly what they are doing. They just send me to my father or somewhere else, not seeing that it doesn't help me. Only them. That's not fair!
Why I can't just stay in my house after five day of struggling?
No, I need to go so my grandmother can "finally" relax. You relaxed for the last five days, when I was suffering. Isn't it enough?
Tears are streaming down my face, while my mother and grandmother laugh in the kitchen.
I don't laugh anymore. I can't. That's not fair.
When my grandmother was under alcohol control, we needed to go from home.
Now that I'm sick, I still need to go from home because of this stupid woman, who did nothing for me, except insulting me for my looks.
Why can't I stay? Why?
"We need to treat you like a normal person" - said my mother earlier. But I'm not normal. And my therapist also said that if something is too hard for me, then I need to wait until I will be able to do this.
"Going to father's house, isn't something you can't do."
It is. It's hard. But you won't understand, right?
"Going on a trip was ok, but to father is hard?"
It wasn't ok. But you never asked me.
