You're dead to me
"I'm sorry. I know I haven't always been the nicest person to you and I sincerely apologize for that. The truth is, I was afraid. Afraid of fading away, because I felt like I had lost control. And while it was that control that I so deeply desired, each time I tried to gain it back and I thought I had it, you came by and swept me of my feet.
Don't get me wrong. I'm not blaming you for how things turned out between us. I know that it was me who started ignoring you. It was me who thought that getting rid of you would help, but I was wrong. So in the end it was me who made the decisions that ended up destroying what we had. Destroying us. You never wanted any of this to happen and yet, here we are.
My point is, that I don't resent you for still being here and for telling me the things that you're saying. I was the one who let you in, when you knocked on my door and I didn't do anything, when you started slowly destroying everything I ever owned. I don't know why I never stepped in, but it was like I was glued to the ground, unless you told me to get up. My lips were sewed together, unless you told me to speak. My thoughts were free, until you told me what to think. I was hypnotized by your ideas.
I used to think that it was that exact moment, that I lost control. In reality though, it was the moment that I started giving into you and paying attention to your advice, that made my life get completely out of hand. Again, none of that is your fault. The only one to blame for that is me, because I stopped thinking. I was convinced you knew what was right for me and trusted you blindly.
To be honest I was so overwhelmed by everything that was going on around us, like my sister breaking up with her boyfriend and needing my moral support, my grandfather being transported to the hospital and my parents being on the verge of breaking up, because they were too stressed with their jobs, that when they came home they weren't capable of normal communication to solve their problems. And then you knocked on that door and started telling me how to act and handle all that pain.
Honestly it felt nice to have someone take care of me, instead of caring for everybody else. It was like a huge weight was lifted from my shoulders, because you did that one thing for me that I couldn't handle anymore. Thinking.
Maybe that's why I ignored all the signs that made it clear, that you were neither an angel nor a saviour. But while it started off with you telling me how to think and act, to help my sister get over her breakup, to make some good memories together with my grandfather and to help me getting my parents to talk about their problems, it slowly started getting more and more common that you took over for me completely. To make it worse, I didn't even notice.
The first time I started questioning your advice was when you asked me to put myself at the bottom of the list and put everyone above, no matter what. I was panicking, because I thought making your ideas my reality would only make my loved ones hurt more, than they already are, but you tried to calm me down. You reasoned, that ignoring my own, personal need, was necessary in order to help my family. I obliged without further questions.
Time flew by and while I had everybody thinking that everything was fine, your weird requests started getting more and more frequently. It was around that time, that I seriously thought about leaving you and never listening to you again for the first time. But it was too late. You felt like you were at home, while I just wanted you to go away and leave me alone. I tried to run away, but you had locked all my doors and windows, preventing me from leaving. I wished so badly for someone to notice my suffering, for someone to come by and help me escape, but you didn't let me call for help. So I waited. And as if that wasn't enough, it was you who ended up hearing my cries for help. Because you were the only one, who saw the real me. No one else came, because nobody cared.
Losing control is one thing, but losing your friends, your family...I was lonely and you were the only one by my side. So stopped trying to run and I let you stay, again. I knew that what I was doing was wrong, I wasn't blind anymore. I could finally see your true colors and yet I wasn't able to be free from you. Now, I am well aware of how stupid that must sound. Even to you. I mean, you were the one, who was responsible for me losing all my friends, because I was too preoccupied with you to notice them growing more and more distant. But you were the only one I had left, and I felt like that if I'd be on my own, I'd crumble completely. I guess, what I'm trying to say is: You were better than no one.
Though, when I finally managed to kick down the door, I left it wide open allowing you to follow me. You did follow me, no after where I went. That's why I gave up, but it was me who should have closed that door to stop you from following. But I forgot. It's my fault.
I'm not telling you our story to make you feel guilty for what you've done. Because no matter what you did wrong, I was to one who made it possible. If anything, I'm the real bad guy here. So why am I telling you this?
I don't really know. I guess, I'm trying to say goodbye, even though I'm not doing a very good job at it. I'm leaving and this time, you won't follow. I hate that our story has to end like that, but you never really wanted it any other way. After all, this was your idea. I hope you're happy now. Like I said before, I don't resent you for anything you've done or said, but you're a part of me.
And for that, I resent you.
I hate you for being a part of me. I hate myself for letting you be a part of me.
To me, you're already dead."
A punch. Pieces of glass inside the pale knuckles of a young girl, but she can barely see them through her tearful eyes. Blood on the shattered mirror, creating a ring around an object in the back of the room. The reflection of an empty bottle of tablets on her bedside table.
The story of a young, broken girl who lost control.
