black coffee [2jae]

feeling

Jaebeom looked up, greeted by golden ribbons of sunlight filtering through the foliage. The sweet smell of magnolia, an indicator that spring had made its way. For a moment he had forgotten where he was. He was in the park, filming an episode of Hard Carry. Jaebeom's mind was still foggy - he must have taken a short nap. The sleep-deprived man rolled over to see a tall boy in a pink hoodie. His eyes were loosely closed, muttering unintelligible nonsense. He looked like those teddy bears you'd find in a gift shop.

The staff were nowhere to be seen. Jaebeom checked his phone for any new messages and sure enough there were, most from the group chat. He didn't feel like reading Bambam's copypastas so he opened up Twitter instead.

Jaebeom is fine with anyone looking at his phone. But not twitter. Never twitter.

As pathetic as it sounds, he does in fact have a secret account on Twitter. Yes, it is true that an idol's schedule is very packed, but idols get bored too. Jaebeom created the account back in 2015, around the release of Just Right, the same time he'd come face to face with his feelings.

Rising heart rate, shortness of breath, excessive sweating. Jaebeom dropped by the doctor on a regular basis. He thought he was sick. It became a struggle to keep up with practice and songs, he couldn't even hold a simple conversation, much less small talk. It was clear as day that the other members were at the very least worried about him, that something not so pleasant happened. The irony was that Jaebeom wasn't so sure himself. His mind wasn't in the right place, always drifting elsewhere. Strangely, that elsewhere was Youngjae. His precious dongsaeng, filling his every thought with just his presence.

He wakes up, Youngjae. During practice, Youngjae. Writing lyrics, Youngjae. During meetings, Youngjae. Fanmeetings, Youngjae. He was like an itch that was impossible to get rid of. Even if he wasn't there physically, he was still present, lurking in the deepest parts of Jaebum's mind. Even when he's dreaming he dreams of him, some dreams he is not very proud of. But the most peculiar part is how he even occupies it in love songs. Jinyoung-hyung taught the members back in their trainee days to envision themselves serenading to their dream girl. For the longest time that girl was his highschool ex, occasionally Suzy, but he would never have thought that 'girl' would turn out to be his group member.

Jaebeom couldn't pin down exactly what caused these feelings to sprout, but letting them bloom was another problem. Hard to admit, he wasn't like everybody else. He'd had his share of girlfriends and they'd always tell him to only talk to other boys. But strangely, Jaebeom still felt like he was cheating.

Maybe it was all those nights they shared; sharing heat in the freezing cold cuddling, enjoying each other's warmth, the fuzziness and warmth that would rise in his chest whenever they had a laugh. Oh the way he laughs. Jaebum could listen to it on repeat as if it was the biggest hit of the century, stuck in his head like an earworm. Jaebeom wanted to hug him, to shower him in affection, to wake up to his face in front of his own, go to their favourite cafes, write songs together, share their most intimate moments, have him call out his name - Jaebeom wanted everything.

But most of all, he wanted to call him his.

Jaebeom watched Youngjae as he slowly heaved his chest up and down. He looked so beautiful, even asleep. Running through his brown locks, Jaebeom could feel his consciousness ebbing away. The feeling of his dongsaeng in his arms was so foreign yet so familiar. Jaebeom had longed for it for so long, and now he could finally grasp it between his hands. He felt home. A smile creeped its way to his lips as he held him close, never wanting to let go.