𝖿𝖺𝗂𝗋𝗒 𝗅𝗂𝗀𝗁𝗍𝗌 & 𝗀𝗋𝖺𝗉𝖾 𝗃𝗎𝗂𝖼𝖾 {𝖻𝖾𝗈𝗆𝗄𝖺𝗂 𝖿𝖿}

𝗈𝗇𝖾

choi beomgyu hated starting over from scratch. if there was an important project to be done and he messed up to the point of no return, he would start over with less enthusiasm than he did before, which wasn't much to begin with. if he was trying to draw a perfect circle and failed, he'd have to erase and start over, erase and start over, and repeat the process until he just drew a triangle and went with the flow. that's why he always turns in triangle thinking maps instead of circles.

but, the thing beomgyu hated having to start all over again was his own life. he hated that the universe pressed the restart button and now he was back to square one; having to cope with losing someone. this case some people, but they weren't just some people. they were his parents, for god's sake.

so why was his older brother so determined to act as if nothing happened? as if they haven't lost the two most important people in their lives?

his older brother, soobin, always wore the same strained smile with the most annoying cheerful voice he had ever heard whenever he greeted the boy. "hello, beomgyu! how are you today?"

he talked like a robot that was programmed to appear normal when underneath all of the fake smiles and cheerful attitude is a broken soul trying to conceal the pain deep inside. beomgyu wanted his brother to share his burdens with him, but the older would always decline speaking about his feelings just to check up on beomgyu. it tore the boy apart having to watch his brother lock his feelings away just for his sake.

the boy knew how broken the boy was at their parents' funeral and how he kept his façade up as he talked with the guests that would always say the same broken line, "i'm so sorry for your loss. they were amazing people that deserved better and have left behind two angels. may god put their souls to rest."

beomgyu would scoff and roll his eyes as he heard the same shit being repeated like a broken record. he doubted their words meant anything to them and were saying it to seem sincere when they weren't.

they said the same shit when their eldest brother died and at his best friend's funeral who died three years prior. beomgyu gave up on accepting fake sympathy from people who didn't give a single shit about those people when they were alive.

no one knew choi yeonjun and kang taehyun like he did. no one felt the pain and confusion he felt when he first heard the news of the deaths of the two people who meant the world to him. once he heard how they died, he gave up on believing on a higher power that protected its children from all evil.

if a god existed then yeonjun and taehyun wouldn't have been mauled to death by an animal.

beomgyu grew bitter towards life, only caring for his older brother and late parents. nothing else mattered besides the wellbeing of those he loved, now only one person was left that he loved and he was so scared to admit that he feared for his life. the boy was scared of losing his brother as well and didn't know what he would do if anything bad happened to him.

he loved soobin so much and just wanted him to truly happy again. to smile his dimpled bunny smile and to laugh loudly as he hits whoever is next to them because he found something so hilarious.

"i just want my soobin back." beomgyu said quietly to himself as he sat on the wooden floor of the attic with boxes around him. in his hand was a framed picture of a younger soobin smiling brightly as he tried to carry a baby beomgyu with their older brother yeonjun patting soobin's head. "i want them all back."

he carefully placed the picture next to him on the ground then reached into the box to pull out a picture of him with his late best friend when they were thirteen, a year before he and yeonjun died.

tears began to swell in the silver haired teen's eyes as he remembered the day the picture was taken. their family went on a vacation together to Hawaii and soobin took the pic because they "looked so cute and happy together".

what beomgyu would do just to go back to that day and warn everyone about the unfortunate fates awaiting them. he would tell taehyun never to go searching for hobak that night and to stay inside his home. he would tell yeonjun never to run after the boy into the dark night, never to be seen again. he would tell his parents never to go to the stupid market to get him his favorite snack all because he wouldn't study unless he had it.

god, beomgyu felt so stupid and useless. there wasn't a single thing he could do to save his loved ones and now he couldn't do a single thing to protect his broken brother.

enraged, beomgyu yelled out then careless dropped the photo on the floor and stood up to kick a tall box with all his might. "why can't i keep them safe?! how much do they have to suffer just for me to be so useless?!" he punched the box, leaving a dent in the cardboard.

but it wasn't enough.

he started throwing punch after punch into the box before moving to a smaller box and throwing it at a far wall. he didn't care about the shattered frames he heard. he just wanted to let it all out.

beomgyu started breaking more boxes as he continued to rage and yell out until he couldn't hear his own voice anymore. he stopped to take in the chaos of broken boxes and frames around him then felt a wave of regret wash over him.

what had he done? threw a temper tantrum just for what? what good would that do for soobin? soobin who didn't feel like his brother anymore, but beomgyu would be damned if he let the older go.

tears swelled in his eyes as his throat began to burn from the sobs threatening to release and he sinks to the floor to look at the picture of the kangs and chois all together in hawaii.

he missed them all so much. he missed his older brother bragging about how he was good at everything and compliment his younger siblings about their talents that made them unique. he missed seeing his blue hair that he dyed as soon as he moved out of the house, shocking everyone when he returned for their hawaii trip. beomgyu thought the older looked so cool and wanted to dye his hair too, but was told he had to wait until he was seventeen to dye his hair.

yeonjun promised the boy, "once you turn seventeen, i'm gonna dye your hair any color you want."

"any?" thirteen year old beomgyu questioned with wide eyes filled with curiosity and admiration.

his brother smirked cooly as he raised an eyebrow and nodded his head. "any color, gyu. your big bro's got you." he was so excited to get his hair dyed just like his cool older brother, but the excitement died when his brother did.

he still dyed his hair the color he wanted, silver, because he hoped soobin would have some reaction to it. the older boy didn't even acknowledge it.

beomgyu missed taehyun from how he was slightly small for boys his age, but he still talked like he was ten feet tall. the boy was quiet and reserved with everyone which made each word he spoke so meaningful to beomgyu. they were joined by the hip and balanced each other with beomgyu's loudness and taehyun's calmness.

they promised each other to stick together forever when they reached high school and beomgyu was more than willing to protect his best friend from anything that dared to harm him. after that night, beomgyu felt like he broke that promise and failed taehyun.

he failed all of them.

he removed the photo from the broken frame, barely flinching when pieces of glass embedded themselves into his fingers, and held up the photo of them being happy.

beomgyu sniffled and whispered sorrowfully, "i'm so sorry for failing you. i just wanted you to be safe and happy, but i'm such a fuck up!" he cried silently and focused his eyes on soobin's bright eye smile, his vision blurred by his never ending tears. "all i want is to protect you, binnie. please stay safe."

sobs escaped his throat and he didn't stop them as he held the photo close to his chest then laid down on the floor, surrounded by broken memories. his heart crumbling as he realized there was nothing he could do to keep his only piece of family safe.

with a tearful plea, beomgyu spoke to the empty air. "please keep my brother safe. i don't care who as long as he can be safe and happy again."