Curious

III

The dorm is quiet, since Jade's roommate has gone out for the night, and Jade is sitting at her desk, in front of her laptop, trying to study. She has an important exam in two days, and she really needs to study right now because she is going out with Perrie in an hour or so, so she won't have time later tonight. However, Jade cannot focus on the material. She is terrified of the date she has scheduled, since first dates are always scary by nature, and on top of that, Perrie is a girl. Which means that this whole thing is completely new for Jade.

Lately, she has noticed that she cannot truly concentrate on anything. Whether it's her studies, or a casual conversation with a friend, or even simply trying to fall asleep at night. Her thoughts always wander to the same question, and the confusion is exhausting her. It feels like she has no choice but to put everything else in her life on hold until she figures out what label feels right for her. Straight feels too small and limiting, while bisexual is too wide and too committing. For her whole life, Jade liked boys only, and now Perrie comes along and changes the equation. Jade wonders what if Perrie is just an exception, an accidental slip that won't happen again. If that is the case, how can she label herself as any of these labels she is considering?

Back in high school, Jade learnt about the Kinsey scale. She treated it like any other material she was supposed to study at school, and it was never anything too interesting, since it didn't apply to her in any way. Now, though, she feels the need to go back and take another look at it. She opens a new tab on the laptop, and searches for an image of the scale. She quickly find one, and a small smile appears on her face as she realizes that her sexuality doesn't have to be so complicated. All she has to do is pick the number she identifies with the most, and that will be it for now.

After staring at the screen for a decent amount of time, Jade decides that she feels the most connected to number one, which reads incidental homosexual behavior. She isn't too keen on the idea of calling Perrie an incident, but perhaps that's what she is; a one-time thing.

A quick look at the clock informs Jade just how much time she had just spent not studying, and she immediately feels bad for it. She needs to get ready for her date with Perrie now, so she doesn't have time to study any more. Jade walks over to the closet and picks out an outfit, then does her makeup. It's all a pretty fast process, especially compared to the time she spends in front of the mirror when she is preparing for dates with guys. With guys, she always feels like she needs to impress with more than just her personality. But Perrie has seen Jade in the morning classes after Jade pulled all nighters and lived solely on caffeine. By that point, she feels too comfortable around Perrie to try to be someone she isn't.

Jade leaves her dorm feeling very nervous, but also very excited. She then remembers Perrie and her didn't say exactly where in the campus they were going to meet, and is about to text her when she sees her approaching. Perrie is dressed casually, just like Jade, and Jade feels the urgent need to embrace her in a hug. She does so, and it feels amazing, so she holds onto Perrie for as long as she can.

"Hi," Perrie says with a wide smile after they finally let go. Jade notices that she is wearing a nude shade of lipstick, and it excites her for some reason she cannot explain. Perrie smells so good, and the tips of her hair are a little wet, so Jade can tell she has showered before coming here. There is something so enchanting in knowing that tonight is important to Perrie, and that she is taking the time to take care of herself. Jade always found of the men she has dated to not be as self aware as she would have liked. Oftentimes, all they did before taking her out was spraying some deodorant and changing their shirt. Jade always assumed that that's just how things are, and she needs to accept that; but Perrie brings another point of view. What if she was just compromising all this time?

"Hey," Jade says, and that word is enough to make her blush. She is glad that it is dark outside, so that Perrie cannot tell how flushed she is.

"Do you want to go?" Perrie asks with the same smile, and as she turns towards the exit of the campus, she offers her hand out for Jade to hold. Jade feels a wave of mild panic washing her, since she doesn't know how to react. She wants to hold Perrie's hand, but at the same time, it's quite scary. What if everyone around them thinks they're a couple? Because they're not, and Jade is barely even into girls.

Perrie turns back and looks into Jade's eyes, and her gaze is welcoming and calming. Jade decides to ignore the world for one moment, and simply do as she wishes. She slips her hand into Perrie's, and it's odd in almost every possible way, but it's also so incredible that Jade wonders how she has lived her life for twenty two years without ever doing this.

Perrie tells a funny story as they keep walking, and Jade laughs at the right moments, but the butterflies in her stomach are completely distracting her. People are watching, Jade knows they are, but she doesn't care, because she's holding Perrie's hand. And as they go into the crowded streets of the city, the busy ones that smell like burnt fuel, Jade doesn't mind any of the things she used to hate about London. She is holding Perrie's hand, and it feels like a dream but it's a reality, and it's too good to be true but it is true.

The night feels like a haze, and when they go back to campus, Jade is unable to recall much from it except for how many different shades of blue Perrie's eyes look under different lightings. Standing at the entrance to Jade's dorm, Perrie leans in a little closer to Jade, and tells her about how much fun she had had. Jade agrees, and she knows what comes next, but her heart is racing and she is anxious instead of excited, like she should be.

"Can I kiss you goodnight?" Perrie asks in a whisper, and with that gentle, classy smile Jade is almost unable to decline. However, she is completely taken over by panic, and it's too much, too soon. The date was perfect, but it mostly felt like things she has done before with female friends. This, however, is completely new.

"I'm not ready for that, I'm sorry. I don't even know if I like girls," Jade replies, stumbling on her words. It is not the full truth, because she is pretty sure she likes girls, but admitting that out loud is terrifying.

"It's okay," Perrie assures her with the same bright smile, although Jade can imagine it is probably hiding some disappointment. "But I'm not asking if you like girls. I guess what I'm asking is if you like me."

"I don't know," Jade answers, and feels even more terrible as she notices the way Perrie's expression falls. "I'm just so, so confused. And I'm completely new to all of this, so I'm going to need to take things slow."

"So am I," Perrie replies and surprises Jade. "I've dated dudes my whole life. I'm kind of glad you can't tell, though. Does that mean I was good?" She jokes. "There's no pressure, alright? I'm still trying to see how this whole thing works, just like you. So just text me if you ever want to talk, okay? Regardless of anything that's happening between us, I think we have a lot in common."

"Yeah, thanks. I appreciate that," Jade tells Perrie and pulls her into a hug. "Goodnight," she continues, and just before letting go, kisses Perrie's cheek. She unlocks the door and enters her dorm, then stops for a moment in order to take in everything that's just happened.

There are so many new questions she has find answers to now, and only the thought of it exhausts her. Mostly, she wonders how come she is so confused and nervous, while Perrie, who is in the same situation, is so calm and unbothered. What is Jade doing wrong?