so I have a friend who I used to be extremely close with. We used to be best friends, and I suppose that I'm not in a minority in this - as it happens to almost everyone - but I can't help but feel any less alone in it.
anywho, I feel as though I used to text, call or talk to her every day after I got home from school.
I'd consistently bother her as she would me, and that was just how we were. But it was natural, and it was a comforting excessive amount of time with each other.
we used to also have this online community of friends and we were all extremely close. As time went on, the people in that group slowly faded away, but we were always friends.
as I realize now, about a year ago I was upset. we were on very good terms, but I felt that I was always the person who was texting and calling first. So I joined a group of other people and made fairly good friends with everyone there.
it was then that she started to recognize my significantly decreased amount of messages. she addressed it to me and I was happy that she was finally feeling the sense of me being gone (sorry if that sounds so narcissistic). in real life, we're not the most popular honestly; actually we're kind of the loners.
besides the point, she talked to me about it and started to express how it was bothering her. but she always does this where thing where she feels self-conscious that what she's feeling or saying is invalid so she simply doesn't say what she wants to say, and I know that about her, so I encouraged her to keep going because I was happy that she was finally communicating what she actually felt.
I assumed from thereon out that all would be good, and for about a few days or so, it was. we were friends again, incessantly talking to each other about everything going on.
but after a while (a few months, about august or so after that february) even if it wasn't immediately evident, you could plainly see there was this sort of disconnect between us. we were drifting, and I didn't want it to happen, but I didn't want to be the only one who cared about our friendship; the only one trying to mend it.
I started attempting to reach out again, occasionally messaging. Sometimes I'd get less than genuine answers, and it really felt like she simply didn't want to be friends. But then during school, she'd act as if we're friends and just wouldn't say anything about it.
It's strange. It's like because from then till now, she's been completely normal around me during school and even when we're outside of school, but there's this barrier. Like we've turned from friends who completely understood each other to mutual friends, or maybe even just friendly acquaintances.
and whenever I asked her about this (past tense, as I don't try anymore) she'd just be like yeah, yeah, agree with me and nothing would change. I honestly miss how close we used to be because I feel as though I don't have a best friend anymore. And I wonder if she feels the same way but just doesn't say it, and I know perhaps she's going through something, or perhaps I'm going through something and going crazy, but I want to sort it out. Or at least know whether or not she wants to be as close as we used to do.
on another note, around the same time last year as this happened to our relationship, another person joined our friend group. maybe they're super close now because I've heard from both of them about them hanging out a lot together outside of school. that new person, who's also my friend I guess told me that during the summer, she'd gone over to her house a ton, and at lunch, they always split off together, and maybe I'm just over-analyzing because I'm lonely, but it makes me really upset.
and when they hang out together, it's not like they include me either. I realized this before as well. since it had previously been me and my long-time friend and our other friends, now it felt (feels) like me and them and our friends.
the thing is, I feel as though we have so much history together, and now she literally never messages me, never asks to hang out, never talks to me unless in a mutual group chat of ours, and it makes me angry as well as disappointed in how our friendship has declined so much! Like, you're not friends with somebody for years and then just suddenly aren't!
now again, yes this has been happening over the course of a year now, and I believe my own actions to be the catalyst of this chain of events, but I can't help but feel 1, sad and lonely about it, 2, angry and 3, confused.
I genuinely don't understand anything anymore and I have so much but so little going on right not that I can't deal, even though I probably can perfectly well.
That last sentence probably made no sense, but it's what I feel. Does anybody have any advice at all on how I can talk to her about this?
Because I also feel that I'm not even close to her anymore like I don't know her anymore. Like asking her would be like asking a stranger extremely personal stuff. And when she answers if I say anything, will anything ever change? Will there be more of a barrier? Will things get better and we actually start to be friends again? Or does it get awkward to the point of not even talking to each other during school? I don't f****ing know and I just need some insight. Anyway, that was my little vent. Thanks guys pls no judge and add me if you have advice or need some or just comment. Thx & bye <3
