Monster Hunting- For beginners

Chapter Two: The vast knowledge on Mermaids

Chapter Two: Mermaids.

Mermaids a.k.a Sexy fish-ta-pussies with no relevance to Disney other than the fact that they sing and the men look like overly gay hippies. Because they do. Which is wholesomely sexist. How stereotypical Disney.
Mermaids live in the sea (*slow clap*) Hence 'Mer' which probably derived from 'Ma' or 'Marine'. Or maybe it's Latin.. I dunno, ask Vin. See everyone knows what frankincense and gold is but no-body knows what MER is. (a clam-bra for anyone that knows this) Maids because well... women: maids... yeah. <- probably sexist ask Dexter.

Mermaids usually appear at night because they are sneaky little minxes like that. They sense MAN blood and flock to the ship (dingy, boat, yacht etc. ) They don't usually go for women which I shall explain later. As the moon rises on a clear night the first signs you will discover is the stillness of the water, the slight lift of temperature and the eery mist on the sea brink. It's bloody scary when you know what's about to happen I can tell you. What happens next is the real way the mermaids reel you in, especially if you're a bloke.
You first hear a voice much like a high bell, singing something in a foreign language which you could easily mistake for the sea and then, soundlessly a woman's head and naked top half appears on the edge of the boat singing to you.
Yeah... I know. Monsters kill ;) Like no joke, there was one once and she must have been like...
Ahem, sorry.
So the ship is flocked with these things and the men go mad, it's actually quite sad to watch if you know how to block the hypnosis because everyone around you is slowly going insane. Including my partner to whom on this occasion I actually had to restrain to a mast with duct tape. Which is embarrassing.
So after everyone is mesmerised they strike and undertake their minxy little plans.
They slowly start to rock the ship, the men completely go along with it until they start to dive overhead and grab sailors from the deck. The screams put you off the novelties I can tell you.
And everyone drowns. It's like Titanic but with more bewbs.

How to survive a Mermaid attack:

Women: The lucky female race are perfectly fine in this case. Mermaid call does not affect your ears and apparently sounds like a low growl instead of the song. Mermaids do not go for women unless they are very hungry because women fight back. Mermaids are one of the only races that have a gender preference in meals.
As well as humans because you can get sexist Kinder Eggs. I prefer the pink ones anyway...

Men: You're pretty much doomed. Yep. Unless you train your ear to sense and deflect the sound of the mermaid's hypnotic call (which I can tell you is as hard as resisting Valkyrie Cain when she smells of waffles and chocolate covered strawberries) You're a dead man (punz)
The key to block the call out, though, is to think of something still. I'm not even joking. Because the mermaid's voice is so varied and harmonious the best thing to think of is something simple and still. I think of the moon. Second you loose concentration you're dead. Unless you've got a handy partner like me ;)

How to kill a mermaid:

This is actually quite hard. Not only on difficulty but on moral grounds. When you're a man like I am and have been spending his entire life protecting women from harm the one thing you cannot do is hurt one. Thing you have to remember though:
You don't kill them, they will kill you. This isn't Pirates of the Caribbean or another Disney stereotype.

Fun fact: Disney REALLY likes half fish women wearing nothing but technicolor shells.
Another fun fact: Pixar REALLY likes lamps.

You kill a mermaid in two ways.
One: With fire.
Two: Shoot it in the head

We have tried others but I assure you they will never work. You cannot stab a mermaid or shoot it anywhere else over it's body as their scales cover their whole body despite the top half LOOKING naked. This is for bringing the prey in, if not they would just look like fish and men wouldn't be interested. People have to relate with something to like something.
Their only weak spot is in the centre of their heads. I don't know why and I've never got close enough to find out but I believe there are a few layers of soft tissue there.
Much like an Achilles Heel.
Second is to scare off the little beasties. Step one: Merchant ship full of dynamite
Step Two: Light dynamite. Step Three: Big bada boom, swimmy swimmy, far far away.
Mermaids do not like light, especially the light of fire and they will flee from it if it is in dangerous quantities. So no, a torch will not save your life in a mermaid attack.
That's D of E.

So next time you eat a fish you'll think 'Hm. I wonder how odd it would have been in the Little Mermaid if Ariel was a Salmon.'
And you'll pray for prince charming's cheating soul that she was.

-MHs