A biography?

Dwelling

Living in Singapore is efficient, fast, and modern. Everything is new or always renovated. It is a city filled with non-stop updates. A paradise? Uh.
If I rephrased it into "expensive paradise limited to those who are economically sufficient since birth" then yes. It is indeed a paradise. That kind of paradise.

I shouldn't be complaining too much as I am way luckier than most of the acquaintances I made here.
Staying in a condo without ever worrying about rent, eating any cuisines without thinking too much, or shopping just to satisfy and cheer my ownself.
Yes, I am an ungrateful bitch. I don't need anybody preach me on how I'm not supposed to be this sad all the time.
Without any of them preaching it, I've known too well and yes, regardless of how many times I was told not to think of it, I still couldn't help but to identify myself as "worthless"

No, nobody truly needs me.
No, nobody truly likes me.
No, nobody truly cares.
No, I can never truly make anyone proud.
No, I can never truly be honest to myself.
No, I can't
No, I can never.
Nobody needs a trash like me.

It was finally at the third semester I started looking for that one art school friend. She's from my hometown but, we were never anything more than having mutual friends. She was and has always been funny in her own way. I didn't quite catch her personality when we were still back home.
Here, in the city of pain, I've gotten to know her even more. What's her liking, disliking, favourite Kpop boybands, and favourite food because I am always hungry.
Surprisingly, she was also almost always free and so, my little adventure in building trust started.

On those days, I ate together with her a lot. I even spent long hours chilling at her place doing absolutely nothing.
It was relaxing and I realized she was enough.
She was more than enough.
She listens to me, she gave me honest feedbacks, she doesn't care about lying to protect your feeling.
She is
A good friend
And I was glad this time around, I didn't make a wrong decision.

My last semester in school approached and without me knowing I stupidly fell for a new friend. We had spent quite some times together roaming the city. I had also spent uncountable amount of time sending her back home which I dearly missed right now. The bus rides may be awkwardly quiet, but I would always find my way to make us both laugh until her apartments lift opened its door.
I would wave her good bye in the most cheesy way and she would laugh at it. At that time, those were all I thought I ever needed.
That smile and that laugh.

As I started to get attached to this person, I slowly shifted my cliques and without me knowing, this clique has always been the most honest and straight forward despite the scary looks and other cliques' false accusations.
I started wasting more days in class with them and soon my weekends and after schools were filled with memories of us roaming around the Jurong areas.
For the first time in this institution, I put my trust in a group of people. Things had finally shone on my way.

The feelings for this friendly new friend gotten stronger than just mere friends. I was dedicated to protect and give my all but, I was too scared to confess.
"this is not right and she won't ever feel the same way like I do", was what I thought.
I was right but, I didn't stop there.
I thought, it doesn't really bother me even if she never felt the same way. At least I did my part to help her be happier or so I thought.
I never knew making someone special laugh can feel as if I had just achieved an honorable priceless trophy. I continued sacrificing myself to let someone smile better. It broke my heart when I knew she was hurt over and over. It hurts even more when I couldn't do anything much to help her out. I was desperately trying to get her to stand up again.
For the first time in this city of pain, I tried my hardest.

Nobody knew about my feelings until I opened up on the other friend who also belongs in the clique.
Unexpectedly, I was comforted and supported by him.
Days went by faster as it were more pleasant to go through that time.
I talked more about how my romantic feelings were on those days this guy who I never thought would listen.
I never expected anybody other than my art school friend to listen so attentively to my stories and how stupidly I sacrificed the things I had on those days for some girl.
Automatically, as if like it's God's plan, we got really close.

Few final months, everything went like wind breezes. I was finally close to my crush, I had my emotional supporters by my side, my cliques had never been better, and soon, the last day on school came again. A week was given to me for bidding farewells. Internship was supposed to start in another 3 weeks but, my creators asked me to come back home. Hence, one week was all I got.

I did what every movie shows would: spend one good day with your crush and give them some thoughtful gift, confess.

Well, I wasn't exactly some oppa from K-drama. I knew how it would end up if I had told my feelings to my crush face to face. I knew it too well and became scared of it.
A letter inside a box filled with things I hoped would've cheered her up was my best bet.
A definite rejection in return to all my hard work and I still think it was all worth it.
I didn't regret any moment of it.
Sure, our relationship ended and yes, it was painful for a moment but, I was glad I told her how I felt.
I was glad she knew
Or was I?
F

or the first time, I lost a friend in this city of pain.

At least for that period of time, I didn't feel as worthless