Anywhere But Here Tonight

A Fathers Hurt

I felt like everything fell into slow motion after my mothers death. When my dad got to the hospital he was taken into my moms room to say his goodbyes. There was screaming and yelling and things being thrown and all I could do was sit in the chair across from her room and stare at the door. They tried to escort my dad from the room, but he got physical and one of the male nurses was thrown into a wall. He finally broke down, head in his hands beside her bed. No one dared to touch him.

Nobody tried to take me back to my room either for fear of me acting anything like my father. But my body felt so numb that I doubt I could've done anything. My nurse had come to check on me, to make sure I was feeling alright, but physically everything was fine. I had a bruise here and there and a cut right above my eyebrow, nothing compared to what could've happened.

Eli stayed by my side the whole time. He didn't comfort me, which I was grateful for because he didn't need to, just him being there kept me from hurting myself or running away no matter how much I wanted to. Sometimes he would hold my hand which I was thankful for it let me know this wasn't a dream or in my case, nightmare. I wanted it to be, but I knew it wasn't which is why the real feeling of his hand kept me here, kept me sane.

"Colbie?" I heard sobbing nearby. I could hear the sound of pain in every gasp of air, every time they would breath in and out. "Colbie?" In. Pain. Out. More pain. "Colbie, look at me please," I felt the tears as they fell down my cheek and into my lap where my hands were clinched together. I felt myself shaking, then I heard it, loud and clear. "Colbie?" I looked up to see the blurry form of Eli kneeling in front of me. He took his hand and gently brushed at the tears, trying to get them to stop. I knew they wouldn't but him trying so hard to make them made me laugh. Only the laugh came out  as half a sob.

"Colbie, it will be okay," he said so surely. "I will make sure you will be okay." I knew his words were true. He would do anything to make me okay. Only how could you piece together something so broken? A broken vase could be put back together with glue, but it didn't make it whole again. Cracks could be seen in the sides, and it could never truly work the same again. Always broken, now with no use.

I was broken, now lost unsure how to get back. Unsure how to act the same as before. I had the sudden urge to punch something, to let my anger out. But I couldn't, because I didn't know how to work my own body.

It seemed like weeks past before I was able to leave the hospital or even that chair. Eli had eventually picked me up and taken me to my room after I had fallen asleep crying in his arms. He sat me down in the hospital bed and just held my hand until he had to leave. I stayed in that bed for days, I knew people had tried to come to visit me, but I was stuck in a state where I just watched everything else happen around me. I didn't want to see anyone, or talk to anyone. I barely reacted to my nurse, but I heard her when she told me I was getting better.

My dad never came to visit me, so when I found out he was the one who checked me out of the hospital early, I was kind of surprised.

With one last pull I zipped the jacket that Eli brought for me along with some clothes and an overnight bag. I stared at the hospital bed one last time as I gripped my mothers necklace in my hand, the necklace that she gave to me on my sixteenth birthday. I knew that as soon as I walked out the doors of this hospital things would change, things had already changed. Dad opened the door and when we saw each other we didn't say anything, he only looked at me once before grabbing my bag and walking out the door. The feeling of silence brought a sense of serenity to me. 'At least one thing hadn't changed.' I thought as I followed after him. I said goodbyes to the nurses that had been watching over me, and I thanked my doctor but in all reality I wanted to run out the front door as soon as I saw it.

The ride home was filled with silence, as the scenes of outside flew past. Everything looked different, duller, the rain mimicking what my mind was thinking. Something that once made me so happy, now made me so sad.

I could hear everyone now. The apologies. The you'll be okays. I didn't want to hear them. I wanted to just fall into oblivion, for everything to just fade away. Sorrow is a funny thing. Everyone tries to make it go away, but the more they try the harder it gets.

I was brought back to reality, yet again, when the truck came to a stop. Dad got out of the car, slamming the door behind him. I sat in the passenger seat confused, as he walked inside. I couldn't tell what was going through his mind. I think he was starting to blame me for my mothers death, he hated me. Thing was, I don't think he ever loved me to begin with. Weird right? A father didn't love his own daughter. You'd think I was lying until you saw it for yourself.

I opened the door and slowly got out off the truck and began to walk inside. The flowers in the flower bed were wilted from the cold and rainy weather. Mother would have had a fit if she saw them now, but she couldn't. When I walked inside I carefully shut the door, but even if I slammed it the sound wouldn't cover the sounds I heard coming from the kitchen. The pounding of the cupboards as they were thrown open and closed, the breaking of glass. I couldn't move because his pain was almost screaming at me. It made the pain I felt overflow. I didn't move to comfort him because I didn't know how. I couldn't even comfort myself. I shook my head and made my way upstairs to my room. By now I was an expert at avoiding him, as he was with me.

The door to my room was ajar, the dark red and blue of the walls made the room look extra dark correlating with the rain. The room was littered with clothes and art supplies, the way I left it before Mom and I went to get dinner. A small box lay on my messy bed, a note attached.

'For the ups and downs. Eli.' A saying we had said to each other as long as I could remember, a saying my mom always said to me. The box was full of snacks and a photo album full of pictures, pictures of me and Eli, of me and my mom. I shoved the box to the side and climbed into the bed, pulling the comforter up over my head. I felt as a headache began to build. I closed my eyes and drifted off to sleep.